The details of my life are inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy... the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess in the insane lament. My childhood was typical... summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds... pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
Actually, I was born in Minnesota - my dad graduated from the Zoo of M and I still can't help but like the Gophers except when they play the Buckeyes. (I had a soft spot for Glen Mason during the coaching search based on this) From Minnesota, I moved to New York. In NY - long island - I learned that soft midwesterners get their asses kick a lot. Then in 1979, actually January 1, 1980 I watched the first college bowl game that I remember ever watching. I was interested in this "Ohio State" team cause my dad had just gotten a job in Cbus, although I had no idea that Columbus was the home of
OSU. In fact, I think I thought Ohio was somewhere near New Deli. In any case we moved and within 2 years I was learning the insane ways of the buckeye faithful. In 1983, I was advised by a friends dad that I was not allowed, "to swear at the TV, God dammit" as Michigan scored. In January 1984 I watched a good buddy of mine physically beat himself sensless as USC beat
OSU in the Rose again. I decided, this is some serious [censored]. In 1985 I watched as
OSU beat up on Iowa in the rain and then determined that it would be a good place to go to school. Come 1989, I enrolled at
OSU and spent 6 years completing 4 hoping against hope for a NC. Got married in 1993 (
OSU beat Rice that day). Started a string of never missing actually seeing an
OSU game the week after Northwestern 1994. Then, I graduated and Eddie George won the Heisman. Had a daughter in 1997. Went to law school in 1998, decided that I could no longer base my happiness on
OSU football (Thanks to 8 straight running plays (I mean, come on, you don't think a PA pass to Boston might have been effective after 7 runs?) and a missed PI on Dee Miller). Made bet with self that I wouldn't allow
OSU football to effect me. Was unable to make good on bet to self, and suffered through "dark ages" (1999 - 2000) Son was born in 02 for the first year and a half of his life,
OSU never lost a football game. Also graduated law school in 02 (actually, now that I think about it, it was Dec. 01), passed the bar Feb 02 and wept tears of joy openly on January 3, 2003. On my birthday in 2004 Gamble jumped an out and up route and got torched for 80 yards. I contemplated discarding my good luck charm (son) Decided I didn't want to end up in prison.
That's about it, really. (Edit - I just remember two other important events... in 1997, I think, I went to see
OSU molliwhip BGSU too keep "view live" streak going - paid too much for tix, but got back at the gods for their "local black out" bull[censored]. In 1998 I also attended the
OSU raping of Minnesota vastly underdressed. Sat in the very last row of C deck in the very corner of the South East side. Joe Montgomery busted up his knee and yesterday, my nuts finally thawed.)