Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is.
Carr travels to an
OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"
Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Craig Krenzel over and asks him, "Craig, who's your father's brother's nephew? Krenzel answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback!"
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over John Navarre.
"Hey, Navarre! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
John looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says,"Coach, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr, disgusted, says okay.
During practice, Navarre calls over Chris Perry. "Hey, Chris, Coach just asked me the weirdest question: "Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Perry answers, "Duh! That's pretty simple! It's me!"
After practice, Navarre catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Chris Perry!" Carr (very angry with Navarre) says, "No, No, No! You idiot! It's Craig Krenzel!!!
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man, wearing a maize and blue Michigan jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing scarlet and gray Ohio State jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark`s side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious, Wolverine from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Wolverines and Buckeyes, but now I have seen with my own eyes that is not true".
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said "he may have access to God`s wisdom but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one"?
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
Bubba and Billy Ray were traveling north through Ohio on their way back to their home in Michigan. On their way, they notcied a shop sign in a small town which caused them to stop their pickup and take a look. The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Michgan, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking."
They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ........"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Michigan, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss."
Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
An Ohio State student and a Michigan student are walking down the road when the Ohio State student says, "How sad...A dead bird."
The Michigan student looks up and says, "Where, where?"
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
In the mid-seventies, the Buckeyes and Wolverines were both undefeated and playing for the Big Ten Championship, the Rose Bowl and a possible National Championship.
The Buckeyes are up by 4 points with 3 seconds left. Michigan has a 4th and goal at the Buckeye 1 yard line. Bo Schembechler looks up to the skies and says "God, what should I call now?".
To his surprise, in a clear distinct voice, he hears "Off Tackle". So, Bo calls the "Off Tackle", and all eleven Buckeyes meet him in the backfield, and bury him and the Buckeyes win.
Bo, again, looks up to the sky and says "God, why did you tell me to run "Off Tackle.
Again, in a clear voice he hears, "I don't know, why did we Woody?"
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
Ann Arbor News Report:
Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
Little Johnny's 3rd grade class was having a lesson on careers and were discussing the various professions out there. The teacher asks the kids what their dads do for a living. One little girl raises her hand and says "My daddy is a doctor, he helps sick people get well."
A little boy raises his hand and says "My daddy is a dentist and he fixes people's teeth."
Another little girl raises her hand and says "My daddy is the district attorney and he puts bad people in jail."
The teacher notices that little Johnny is awfully quiet, so she asks him what his daddy does. Little Johnny announces that "My daddy works as a strip tease dancer in a gay nudie bar and he..." Shocked and not wanting that discussion to go any further, the teacher interrupts little Johnny and moves on with the lesson.
During recess, the teacher comes up to little Johnny and asks "Does your daddy really work as a strip tease dancer in a gay nudie bar??" Little Johnny replies, "No, actually he coaches football at Michigan but I was too ashamed to tell anyone."
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
One morning this Michigan graduate calls her friend (who didn't happen to go to Michigan) and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The Michigan grad says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The Michigan grad's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
Three Ohio State fans and three Michigan fans are travelling by train to a game.* At the station, the three Michigan fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Ohio State fans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Michigan fans. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Buckeye.
They all board the train. The Michigan fans take their respective seats but all three Ohio State fans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Michigan fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Michigan fans decide to copy the Buckeyes on the return trip and save some money (being clever and all that).
When the Michigan fans get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Ohio State fans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Michigan fan. "Watch and you'll see."* When they board the train, the three Michigan fans cram into a restroom and the three Buckeyes cram in another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Buckeyes leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Michigan fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small, lovely land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ohio," God replied, "the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite grasslands. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come in contact with them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiny-ass, arrogant [censored]ants I've put next to them in Michigan!"
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
Relationships...
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could have some more privacy. We went to a quiet little restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.
I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!* I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The Buckeyes lost. Got lucky though.
••••••••••••••••?? ?••••••••••••••••? ??•••••••••••••••• ••••
General Schwarzkopf was walking
