FKA's 2004 Michigan Preview (Explicit lyrics warning)

[Buckeyeskickbuttocks]

Well, with FKA off losing all his money in Vegas or something, I decided I'd go ahead and post his 2004 Michigan preview without his permission. I'm not certain, and we didn't discuss it, but I think his analysis would not change had he considered the 2005 game, save for only a few particulars. Enjoy.

2004 PCP mi[censored]gan Game Preview

written by
FKAGobucks877

Me[censored]again Wolverweenies Game Preview

Well, it's that time of year again. What I've done here, quite simply, is summarize my thoughts, opinions, and conjecture of that team up north, mostly based upon the fact that I hate them. The overwhelming stench, the fetid uniforms, the vomit-inducing helmets....well, you get the drift. I will warn you now, this blog is definitely rated "R". If you can't handle some seriously foul language, then stop reading right here. [censored]. If that offended you, then you seriously need to stop reading. [censored]. [censored]. Damn. Cock. Balls. Seriously, I'm just trying to prove a point (but I'm celebrating it). If you're still reading, and you're still offended, then you're a flaming idiot. If you're still reading, and you're not offended, brace yourself....because we're about to discuss those putrid [censored][censored]s affectionately known as the Wolverweenies....

Date and TimeGame time: Saturday, November 18, 2006 3:30 noon EDT Kick-off at Ohio Stadium

That State Up North's Offensive Preview
Returning starters: Some. Not enough, though.
Bitches and whores, every one of them. Offensive? You can say that again. This is a team with an average IQ lucky to beat Shaquille O'Neal's scoring average. I mean, they chose to live in a cess pool, did they not? I've broken down some individual positions, but all you really need to know is these quacks suck worse than a tornado stuck in Karen A. Holebrook's twat.


Quarterbacks
Names don't matter. What matters is, their QB is a true frosh. On top of that, this true frosh is a piece of [censored] assclown that betrayed his own state so that he could play football in South Canada. Newflash: football is an AMERICAN sport. Ohio State is part of America. That state up North is what happens when a class-act country tries to excrete unnecessary waste by-product, and the stupid piece of [censored] (literally) won't let go of the asscrack. I guess that would make Me[censored]again the toilet. Hmmm.

Anyways, the point is, traitors don't succeed. This QB (what kind of a name is "Henne" anyway? Sounds like Hawk food to me) is going to learn the hard way that real Ohioans don't take kindly to Benedict Arnold's.


QB Rating: F (for [censored]stain)


Running Backs
Hey, what do you know, another true frosh. Too bad he has no heart. Heh. Seriously, I couldn't care less. This douche-nozzle is an elite member of the toilet squad, which means exactly that - a crock of [censored].

RB Rating: F (for fartknocker)


Wide Receivers
Now we're getting to the "skill" positions. And I must admit, even I have grudging respect for these guys. I mean, their training regimen, it's something else. They have to run their drills on the same field the cheerleaders use to graze, so you know they have to have some athletic ability in order not to get eaten themselves. Problem is, they're still a bunch of [censored]y Mc[censored]ersons that smell like a 3 day old corpse.

WR Rating: D (for dicksuckers)


Tight Ends
Blah, blah, blah. Tight end, my ass (pun intended). Nobody on scUM's entire program has a tight end, because Lloyd Carr picks a different position to gang bang every night. These [censored]ing cocksniffing asslickers won't know what to do until they're on their backs, but they'll probably get plenty of chances from there.

TE Rating: F (for [censored]lick)


Offensive Line
This is a level of inbreeding and beastiality the likes of which our generation has never seen. Oh, the horror. And the whores. These [censored]ing idiots are stupid enough to think they're protecting the QB by wearing condoms during the game. It's the night before that matters, however. The only things more horrifying than these fatass thugs are their girlfriends, the cheerleaders.

OL Rating: F (for fat [censored]ing fartsniffers)


Analysis

This team is a pile of [censored]. Literally. Don't believe me? Smell....see? I told you. If you still don't believe me, go up there and see for yourself. Woody gave me the directions himself - go north until you smell it, and then head west until you step in it. The whole lot of scUM - the staff, coaches, players, all of them - can [censored] off. Hopefully their petition to Canada will soon be approved, so that we can lower the US border to where it belongs.

Overall Offensive Rating: F (for every "[censored]" word you can think of)
Me[censored]again WolverweeniesDefensive Preview

Returning Starters: not enough


Defense? These condom-lickers would have better defense if they practiced against the herd of buffaloes known as the scUM cheerleaders. I'm pretty sure these clown[censored]s have the same amount of defensive firepower as their would-be mother country (Canada) does.

Defensive Line
I'm out of insults. Or whatever else can pass for creativity from me. I hate everything about this team, and the defensive line is no different. We're talking about a bunch of guys that fell into the defensive line position by default, simply because they are so used to the three-point stance. Problem is, from what they're used to, all the action is coming from behind.

DL Rating: F (for flamingly gay - not that there is anything wrong with that)


Linebackers
This is starting to [censored] me off. Am I really spending all this time analyzing the [censored]ing weasels? What else needs to be said? They're scum. They're weenies. Either hell hath frozen over, or the portal to get there resides approximately 200 miles north of here.

LB Rating: F (for frenetically-challenged)


Secondary
Bitches. These cumguzzlers are only happy because they didn't have to settle for scUM Jr. (MSU), and my guys Teddy Ginn, Jr. and Santonio Holmes are gonna show these quacks what true speed is. These guys are ball-less pieces of [censored] that are going to be taken to school come Saturday.

DB Rating: F (for frogger-loving chimps)


Analysis

Hell hath no fury like a 11-0 Buckeye squad going into mi[censored]gan week. These chicken-[censored]ers are going to get murdered. Nah, it'll probably be a close game, but the Bucks will win. Tressel will move to 5-1 against the pussy weasels, and I'll be in a good mood for the next 7 months. If you're still reading this, I'm impressed....this is far from my best work, but hopefully you're enjoying it nonetheless.

Overall Defensive Rating: F (for [censored]ing LOSERS come Saturday)

Me[censored]salloveragain Special Teams Preview

Returning Starters: none that are really special

Nothing spectacular to report. I've had dingleberries that are more special than this sub-par squad. It'll be interesting to watch Ginn torch these underwear skidmarks for a couple of TD's though.

Special Teams
[censored] this [censored]. Enough is enough. There isn't anything special here. Unless you're talking about special, as in "unique". Because there is plenty of that. I mean, where else on this planet can you find apes that can talk? Or that have sex with buffalo? That's all I have to say...

Analysis

mi[censored]gan, as they always have, and as they always will, sucks exponentially. If we could only convince Canada to take them, with Karen A. Holebrook as special commissioner in charge of getting the [censored] out of the US, we could all be happy. But alas, we have been unsuccessful so far. So, we'll have to settle for kicking their ass.

Overall Special Teams Rating: F (for just [censored]ing win, baby)
Prediction

FKAGobucks877's prediction: 27-24, Ohio State


Additional Information

Rebuild or Reload
Starters Returning: Just reload the gun, damnit, and keep firing at your heads.

Letterman Returning: Please. These [censored]ers can't spell.
Letterman Lost: Again with the spelling. What, you think this is TOSU
Awards & Recognition
Preseason-Conference

2004 BigTen Sucks Ass Poll
1. Michigan.....(10).........120

BigTen-Conference Awards

Pre-Season Player Most Likely to Injure or Maim Henne
Any Ohio State Player
Historical Data

Stadium: Pig House. It's a big toilet bowl.

Colors: [censored] yellow and ugly blue
Mascot: Weasel


College Classification: D-IA (or equivalent) since 1937 (first year of NCAA classification). Soon, we hope, to be moved to Canada

Head Coach: Lloyd Carr. He's more famous for licking his own ass than he is for coaching football.

[Buckeye513]

QB Rating: F (for [censored]stain)
RB Rating: F (for fartknocker)
TE Rating: F (for [censored]lick)
OL Rating: F (for fat [censored]ing fartsniffers)
Overall Offensive Rating: F (for every "[censored]" word you can think of)<O</O
DL Rating: F (for flamingly gay - not that there is anything wrong with that)
LB Rating: F (for frenetically-challenged)
DB Rating: F (for frogger-loving chimps)
Overall Defensive Rating: F (for [censored]ing LOSERS come Saturday)

[LoKyBuckeye]

FKA better get his ass back here so I can rep him

Head Coach: Lloyd Carr. He's more famous for licking his own ass than he is for coaching football.

[BB73]

I like this one just as much as the one now on the front page.

[Buckeyeskickbuttocks]

Bump - FKA's 2004 preview with some minor adjustments.