Best Jokes (merged)

[NJ-Buckeye]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British Naval ship and the Irish Navy, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY FOUR DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[NJ-Buckeye]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed,
"When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa speech."
At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny speech."
When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy speech."

"If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

[LoKyBuckeye]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

[NJ-Buckeye]

Some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.

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While taxiing at <st1 =""><st1 ="">London </st1></st1>Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for <st1 =""><st1 ="">Ft. Lauderdal </st1></st1>made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. <st1 =""><st1 ="">San Jose</st1><st1 =""> Tower</st1></st1> Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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The German air controllers at <st1 =""><st1 ="">Frankfurt</st1><st1 =""> Airport</st1></st1> are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "<st1 ="">Frankfurt</st1>, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to <st1 ="">Frankfurt</st1> before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, <st1:time hour="13" minute="0">one o'clock</st1:time>, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in <st1:city><st1 ="">Munich</st1></st1:city> overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in <st1:country-region><st1 ="">Germany</st1></st1:country-region>. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

[LoKyBuckeye]

Watch out for these new viruses Neither Symantec, Norton, nor McAfee have solutions as of yet!!!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer, each time you turn it on.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves... but will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't

[NJ-Buckeye]

The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, an