Relations who are of different religious beliefs and social conventions

[OCBuckWife]

How do others deal with this? I have a brother in-law who is a fairly recent convertee to a Christian religion. He used to be a somewhat practicing Buddhist. His wife grew up in the same religion, at essentially the same church they now both go to.

Here's the thing. While they say they respect our choice not to be a part of a Christian based religion, or any particular organized religion in general, they do things like:

1. Give us books for Christmas that are religious themed such as "Relationship principles of Jesus." OCBF and I have been together 9 years. Give me a book about relationship advice when YOUR MARRIAGE is older than the one year you have under your belt, how about that? I wouldn't even CONSIDER giving them a book like that. Not only because it isn't my place to comment to them about their relationship choices but also because again, if I don't believe in the power of a Christian God or Jesus, how exactly will living my life according to some principles some Christian author attributes to him help me?

Suppose I were to do the same, and give them a book written by Anton Le Vey on how to be an Ethical Witch? Would it be different? If so, how, and for that matter, why?


2. During discussion about bad things that may or may not be happening in our lives the tell us they will pray for us. I know it's supposed to be a nice gesture, but frankly, if we don't believe in the power of prayer, how exactly is that really going to do anything for us? It makes them feel they are doing something nice I'm sure but it seems like a palliative statement to me. It isn't advice or helpful tips. I also feel a bit of dis-repect in it too. I mean, I don't tell them, when they are having bad times, that I will write their names on the Scroll of Wishes and burn it in the blood of my next sacrificial goat. (Not that I sacrifice goats. Just saying.)

Don't get me wrong, they are family and I will love them but it really has made for some awkward holiday moments. And I would love to hear how others in similar situations deal with this.

[MaliBuckeye]

I'll take a flier at the second question. Hopefully, by "we'll pray for you" they really mean "we love you and will work as best we can within our understanding of reality to ensure your wholeness".

While they might get freaked by a "Scroll of Wishes" comment from you, if it came from the same place of sincere care I would hope it would still be well received.

As to the first question; yeah, us Christians are pretty bad about assuming that we can "help" people through literature. To me, it's an attempt to compensate for not being able to have a conversation. And, given that they're "new" converts, they are assuming that everyone is seeing the world through their lenses (or should be open to doing so).

Final thoughts (fwiw); if you care for them and believe they care for you, it wouldn't be a bad thing to tell them that their style is making you less than comfortable. I'd be sure to do so with the "I know you don't mean this, but..." vein of thought (unless you think they're being intentionally rude and trying to proselytize you). I've found (to answer your question) that an open and honest response to folks like this works best. 'Cause really, no matter what your faith perspective, relationships are key.

$.02

[Ttown]

!. Allow them to pray for you , it makes them feel better.
2. Tell them you have converted to Jehovah's witnesses and shower them with phamplets. especially when you go to their house. When they answer the door ask them if they have been saved and give them more phamplets.

[jimotis4heisman]

1-is this an issue you are willing to fight over
2-do you get other gifts you dont care for? read/use etc? what do you do with them (shove them in the closet for a month or two then pitch them? donate them? ebay them? etc)


for me

if the answer to either one is yes mention it to them. be prepared for any/all sorts of responses.
if the answer is no then brush it off and realize that if that an occasional religious gift and someone hopes/prays for you is the worst thing that happens to you on a daily/weekly/monthly annual basis then your life is pretty darn good...

[OSUsushichic]

I lost a best friend over this. After giving me a few books for holidays/birthdays about how to find Christ in my life, at dinner one evening she told me she had problems with Manfred being Jewish. I told her that it didn't matter to me what religion he was (he's a reform, agnostic-on-a-good-day Jew), and ever since our relationship has not been the same. In fact, I hardly ever hear from her (and we had been best friends since kindergarten).

A few years ago I had emailed her to tell her my grandmother had passed away (she knew my grandmother pretty well through church), and I didn't hear back from her. I even emailed her a second time. Nothing. And just recently I received an email from her telling me to pray for her father, who was having surgery the next day! So, when I need "prayers" she's not there for me. Nice friend. I'm still upset about it.

Anyway, sorry you're having to deal with this. In my experience, so many religious folks don't really know how to keep it to themselves. They think they're doing you a favor. I've been silent about it, but it still bothers me.

[jimotis4heisman]

Originally Posted by OSUsushichic

I lost a best friend over this. After giving me a few books for holidays/birthdays about how to find Christ in my life, at dinner one evening she told me she had problems with Manfred being Jewish. I told her that it didn't matter to me what religion he was (he's a reform, agnostic-on-a-good-day Jew), and ever since our relationship has not been the same. In fact, I hardly ever hear from her (and we had been best friends since kindergarten).

A few years ago I had emailed her to tell her my grandmother had passed away (she knew my grandmother pretty well through church), and I didn't hear back from her. I even emailed her a second time. Nothing. And just recently I received an email from her telling me to pray for her father, who was having surgery the next day! So, when I need "prayers" she's not there for me. Nice friend. I'm still upset about it.

Anyway, sorry you're having to deal with this. In my experience, so many religious folks don't really know how to keep it to themselves. They think they're doing you a favor. I've been silent about it, but it still bothers me.

generally my point. is it something that is an issue you are willing to fight over and this sort of outcome is something you are willing to live with.

if dealt with similar issues in business, personal, etc and of multiple different religions. to me personally most of the time im willing to deal with a gift or two a year that i dont really care/use (hell more than half of all gifts slide into that category whether it is a religious book or some other book ill never read...) and the occasional comment that theyll keep in their thoughts/prayers or hope i convert to (insert religion/view here)

[OCBuckWife]

I have had the discussion with them about religion and the boundries of our house and the respect we need to give each other. I just seem to need to ...remind....them....more often than I am happy with if that makes sense.

Generally, she is pretty good about it. She has some humor about the issue, we talked a lot before they got married. She recently gave me the "I will pray for you, God has a plan, good things will be rewarded to you soon." I started typing a response and backspaced out of it. My chat program shows "such and such is typing" so after I did for a bit but she got no message, she replied "Not buying it are you? LOL"

He is sort of the more insistent about it. He kept asking us to go to church every weekend for about 6 months, told us he was worried about my husband's immortal soul. We flat out told him finally that we wanted nothing to do with it, please stop asking, and that stopped.


It is little things now. Like the inscription in those books about hoping that after reading them we would make an informed decision. Hell, man, I'm nearly 40. I spent my time exploring religions, and I made my choice. To assume that I just don't know enough was rude in my opinion. He felt it was ok to do that to me, in my house, during the holidays, with the whole family around, knowing I would be too polite to do or say anything, but when I, quietly and so only my sister in law could hear (I thought) made a joke, at Easter, in his house, about "happy zombie jesus day." he jumped my [censored] in front of everyone about "not in his house."

I think that is the core of the issue for me, and why I continue to have issues with lots of Christian based religions is the underlying opinion that that the adherents are MORE right than I am, I just haven't been given enough information yet. That I don't deserve the same respect of not pushing my beliefs (such as they are) on them as I expect of them. Did that come out right?

I attended church, of different flavors, for 10 years exploring my information before I made my church. He's been a Christian for....a year. STFU already.

I bite my lip a lot. I just don't really see him doing the same I guess is my real problem. No, I am not willing to really fight over it, not yet.

It comes down to mutual respect maybe. If I don't give you pamphlets and books and such, you shouldn't do it to me either. "Treat others as you would have them treat you." seems to mean something different to me I guess.

Cripes, I hope ANY of this is making sense.

[BuckeyeMike80]

Kinda had some of the same issues with my wife's family. They are very strict Pentecostals.

It really helps they are the nicest and most sincere people I've ever met. We are often hit with stories about certain religious figures who don't quite live up to what they preach, but my in-laws don't have any problems there.

At first it was really overpowering to be quite honest. Being that I never grew up in a church and that both of my parents were not regular attendees of church post-majority, let's just say that it wasn't really a big thing growing up.

How I overcame this was by talking it out with my wife. I explained to her that some things were fine with me, it is their beliefs, etc, but that I would make my own decision about which church and all that I would attend and if we had to, we would find one we could both agree with. Thankfully my wife was very agreeable to the situation (and being on mids helped because I wouldn't do the pastor the disservice of nodding off in the middle of his sermon because I worked all night long) and we were able to diffuse a potential timebomb.

I would talk it out, especially if it is making you uncomfortable. If telling them about your feelings on the matter breaks the relationship, it was coming either way at some point.

Although about #2, usually having someone pray for you is a sign of caring and love. Personally I would just say thank you and accept it and leave it at that. That one is truly up to you. But again I would recommend talking it out with them if it makes you uncomfortable.


EDIT:

BTW about the books and pamphlets and whatnot - most churches emphasize spreading the word of Christ to everyone and usually that is the easiest thing for new members to remember and usually how some newer members of the Church rationalize things that aren't exactly congruent with their new belief system. But, as is the theme with most of this post, if it's uncomfortable, tell them about it.

[Ttown]

Originally Posted by OCBuckWife

I have had the discussion with them about religion and the boundries of our house and the respect we need to give each other. I just seem to need to ...remind....them....more often than I am happy with if that makes sense.

Generally, she is pretty good about it. She has some humor about the issue, we talked a lot before they got married. She recently gave me the "I will pray for you, God has a plan, good things will be rewarded to you soon." I started typing a response and backspaced out of it. My chat program shows "such and such is typing" so after I did for a bit but she got no message, she replied "Not buying it are you? LOL"

He is sort of the more insistent about it. He kept asking us to go to church every weekend for about 6 months, told us he was worried about my husband's immortal soul. We flat out told him finally that we wanted nothing to do with it, please stop asking, and that stopped.


It is little things now. Like the inscription in those books about hoping that after reading them we would make an informed decision. Hell, man, I'm nearly 40. I spent my time exploring religions, and I made my choice. To assume that I just don't know enough was rude in my opinion. He felt it was ok to do that to me, in my house, during the holidays, with the whole family around, knowing I would be too polite to do or say anything, but when I, quietly and so only my sister in law could hear (I thought) made a joke, at Easter, in his house, about "happy zombie jesus day." he jumped my [censored] in front of everyone about "not in his house."

I think that is the core of the issue for me, and why I continue to have issues with lots of Christian based religions is the underlying opinion that that the adherents are MORE right than I am, I just haven't been given enough information yet. That I don't deserve the same respect of not pushing my beliefs (such as they are) on them as I expect of them. Did that come out right?

I attended church, of different flavors, for 10 years exploring my information before I made my church. He's been a Christian for....a year. STFU already.

I bite my lip a lot. I just don't really see him doing the same I guess is my real problem. No, I am not willing to really fight over it, not yet.

It comes down to mutual respect maybe. If I don't give you pamphlets and books and such, you shouldn't do it to me either. "Treat others as you would have them treat you." seems to mean something different to me I guess.

Cripes, I hope ANY of this is making sense.

OCBW I have the perfect idea for you, the next time they come over just wear those leathers you were trying to sell.

[OCBuckWife]

Originally Posted by Ttown

OCBW I have the perfect idea for you, the next time they come over just wear those leathers you were trying to sell.

Too bad that wouldn't affect them. I'm just that weird, quirky, black sheep already. :P

[Bucky Katt]

Happy zombie jesus day....I'll have to use that next Easter.

Originally Posted by OCBuckWife

Too bad that wouldn't affect them. I'm just that weird, quirky, black sheep already. :P

You're a black sheep? Damn, OCBF is one kinky [censored]er, isn't he.

[Buckeyeskickbuttocks]

Originally Posted by Bucky Katt

You're a black sheep? Damn, OCBF is one kinky [censored]er, isn't he.

I don't think she meant she's literally a black sheep. Moron.

[OCBuckWife]

Originally Posted by Bucky Katt

You're a black sheep? Damn, OCBF is one kinky [censored]er, isn't he.

Originally Posted by Buckeyeskickbuttocks

I don't think she meant she's literally a black sheep. Moron.

Here's me.








Here's me not touching these comments with a ten foot pole.

[BUCKYLE]

Next time they give you a book, light it on fire, look them in the eye, and say "Thank You! It's just what I wanted".

[Bucky Katt]

Originally Posted by Buckeyeskickbuttocks

I don't think she meant she's literally a black sheep. Moron.

So she's a liar then. What a bitch.