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a couple jokes

Discussion in 'Open Discussion (Work-safe)' started by Mothra, Sep 3, 2004.

  1. Mothra

    Mothra The Man In The Box '14 Bowl Upsets Champ

    # 9
    A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
    <TT>As
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>he
    turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>beside
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>him
    and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>startled
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>and
    he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>you'll
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow,
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>I'm in
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>room 1221."


    # 8
    A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>you?"
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>the
    bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>young
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>man.
    "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
    "Yeah, my first blowjob."
    "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
    "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>will."

    *********************************************************
    #7
    A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
    seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>hellos
    and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>asks
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>her
    about it and she replies,
    "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
    It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>and
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is
    Amanda.
    What's yours?"
    He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

    ***********************************************************
    # 6
    One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>taps
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>his
    wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
    The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
    gynocologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
    fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
    sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
    wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have
    a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

    ************************************************************
    # 5
    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
    for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>his
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>wife
    that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>into
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>the
    pickle slicer. His wife
    suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
    it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
    vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>later,
    Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
    could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
    "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
    "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>put
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>my
    penis into the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
    "Yes, I did."
    "My God, Bill, what happened?"
    "I got fired."
    "No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh...she got fired too."

    **************************************************************
    # 4
    A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
    in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
    rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
    doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
    tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
    he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
    any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
    this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
    the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait

    outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
    to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
    five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
    his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
    the man replies: "She choked."

    ************************************************************
    # 3
    A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
    puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
    astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
    alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
    gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
    his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
    witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
    The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
    dropped
    his trousers, and placed his privates in the
    alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
    crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
    bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
    head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>genitals
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>drinks
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>were delivered. The man stood up
    again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
    willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
    After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
    woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
    not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

    ***************************************************************
    # 2
    A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
    notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big
    black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>tall,
    350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
    pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
    The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
    brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks
    the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy
    says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>looks
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>down
    and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>pound
    right ball, my name is Turner
    Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you
    said 'Turn around. '"

    ***********************************************************
    # 1
    There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
    They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
    the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
    we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
    "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
    breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
    were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
    ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
    we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TT>down
    </TT><TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD width=1 bgColor=#cccccc> </TD><TD width=5> </TD><TD><TT>at
    the table. "You know, honey," the little old
    lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
    today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
    surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
    the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
    </TT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
     

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