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An Elderly Relative At Home

Discussion in 'Open Discussion (Work-safe)' started by NOTREDAMECHIEF, Mar 25, 2005.

  1. As some of you know my mother-in-law recently had a stroke and is now in a Nursing home/ Rehab Center. She was recently told she will not be able to drive anymore but may be able to go home in a month. This woman is extremely attached to me boys as she came over 2-3 days a week and has took them to Mc'Donalds every Saturday for the last 9 years or so. I think it would drive her nuts sitting at home in her not being able to go run around so I have been thinking of looking into the possibility of her moving in with us. Have any of you every had an elderly person live with you?

    She has been very good to us and I feel obligated to make her happy....
     
  2. BuckeyeSkins

    BuckeyeSkins Go Bucks/Hail to the Redskins!!

    I pretty much went through the same thing with my Mom after she had a stroke. She was in a nursing home/rehab center for several months. Once she got to the point where there was nothing further that could be done for her I brought her home and she stayed with me and my son until she passed away. The stroke she had affected her speech. So our biggest problem was trying to understand what she was saying. It was frustrating for her as well as us. But we managed to get by and she was much happier being at home compared to the nursing home. And that is another story in itself. I think you'll do fine Chief. It will just take some adjustments on the part of all involved.
     
  3. Thanks Skins! No speech problem but she has mobiltiy issues and we have lots of steps.....
     
  4. NorthShoreBuck

    NorthShoreBuck True Madness Requires Significant Intelligence

    It is a problem far too many of us will address.
    You will be taking care of your parents while raising your children.
    I also owe my 80+ year old grandmother so much and can see a day when I will be involved with her care.
     
  5. BuckeyeSkins

    BuckeyeSkins Go Bucks/Hail to the Redskins!!

    That is a very true statement Buck. How can anyone NOT do it if and when the time comes? I owed my parents for so much during my lifetime and if I had turned my back to them when they needed me I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Even by doing what I did for them I still feel like I never truly paid them back for all they did for me. I don't think it's a debt that can ever truly be repaid. All you can do is your best and hope like hell it's good enough.
     
  6. exhawg

    exhawg Mirror Guy Staff Member

    My girlfriends parents had her grandfather move in with them after he had a stroke. He lived for 10 years (died a year ago), but wasn't able to do anything. They had to have a nurse to take care of him. He needed help to eat. They couldn't go on vacation unless they had another relative to take care of him. I would hate to live like that. I have a lot of respect for anyone that is willing to do that for their parents.
     
  7. NJ-Buckeye

    NJ-Buckeye They Hate Us cuz They Ain't Us.. Banners are good Staff Member

    looking into the future...

    hand rails in the bathrooms can be big helps...

    regretably, there may be a time you cannot care for family at home... if there is any way to have the financial advisor start to adjust the elderly's portfolios so that monthly income would amount to about $4-5K a month... that is what they'll need if they must go to assisted living... they can always reinvest the cash flow if they don't need it... but they do need a liquidity strategy...

    BTW.. this is a classic inspirational story

    <center> The Bowl
    Author Unknown</center>
    A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table, but the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

    The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So, the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

    One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
     
  8. LoKyBuckeye

    LoKyBuckeye I give up. This board is too hard to understand.

    My grandmother lived with us after a stroke when I was in 5th grade until she died when I was a freshmen in high school. It was very difficult... my mom was nurse and she said it was so hard that if something like that happens to her to just put her in a home becuase she wouldn't want us to go through the same thing. I'm not sure I could ever do that considering how bad some of those places are.
     
  9. BuckeyeSkins

    BuckeyeSkins Go Bucks/Hail to the Redskins!!

    My Mother was always thinking ahead regarding matters like this. After my Father passed away she signed the house over to me with the stipulation that I could not sell the house without her permission. It's called a Life Estate. I'm sure one of our legal experts could shed more light on the ins and outs of that. She wanted to do whatever she could to keep the vultures from Probate Court out of the situation. Along with her Medicare, she also took out a Medicare supplement through a private insurance agent which practically covered everything that Medicare didn't cover. So very little had to come out of her remaining assets. By doing all this it virutally took care of all the financial aspects of her time in the nursing home up until the time that she passed away.
     
  10. NJ-Buckeye

    NJ-Buckeye They Hate Us cuz They Ain't Us.. Banners are good Staff Member

    skins... hope some of that brilliant DNA passed thru... what a genious of a woman...

    I dealt with the situation twice... and maybe it was divine intervention... but just before a brother and then my Mom went to assisted living, each passed...

    I worry about crap like this because I am the youngest, by far, of MANY siblings... and I am somewhat of the family patriarch... and half of my siblings are well over 70...
     
  11. BuckeyeSkins

    BuckeyeSkins Go Bucks/Hail to the Redskins!!

    I hope some of her DNA made it to me also NJ. Not bad for a woman who quit school in the 6th grade huh?

    It also helped in my particular situation of being an only child. Not having to fight with siblings over what to do and what not to do.
     
  12. Mother-n-law was told yesterday she could never drive again! Is this someone's opinion or is this some sort of rule that I don't know about? It seems to me a little early to make that determination as she is a fighter ........

    I need to ask some questions!
     
  13. Steve19

    Steve19 Watching. Always watching. Staff Member

    The extended family has been lost in America. In South Africa, a grandparent, parent or child actually can sue for support by anyone else in the immediate chain of family and all siblings are liable. These suits are very rare indeed. I have many friends who are taking care of elderly family members and it can be trying. However, all of them have told me how much it has enriched their lives and their children's lives to have elderly family members living with them. It gives a kind of identity, security and coherence that cannot be duplicated otherwise.

    NDChief, I admire you very much for taking this challenge on. It says a great deal about you as a person.

    Now, if we can just sort out that domer problem you have.... :biggrin:
     
  14. Steve, well it has not gone past the discussion phase yet and it is weird that the wife is still hestiant about the idea but she has always been the one to really thinks things thru.....
     
  15. Well at least you can say we tried.....

    We moved M-I-L in around 2 months ago and moved her into an assisted living place of her own last Tuesday so today I get the computer room back!
    M-I-L despite are best efforts became very angry at the world over her change in lifetstyle and even yelled at us/me as we delivered coffee and the paper to her in the morning. She said at times that she never wanted to see us an we were out of her will despite trying to make her feel at home with us! It became very stressful even to the point where the wife and I spent are evenings in our bed watching tv just to stay out of her way. Maybe that all had to do something with me being a jerk and getting banned. It was the right thing to do but I guess as they say no good deed goes unpunished.....

    BTW She is happy at her new place and no longer angry with us! Well at least not today!
     

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