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Best Jokes

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At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey pal, what she really said was: 666-613-6429."
 
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WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!

Old-man-photo-by-Ahmet-Demirel.jpg


Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."
 
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A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80’s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm hearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:
B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 ..... O-72
 
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SENIOR INSPIRATIONS

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds… only 15 to go...
2. I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce... And cheese.............. FINE, it was a pizza... I ate a pizza…
3. How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web...
5. I don't mean to brag but… I finished my 14-day supply of diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes...
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it...
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel...
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me...
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented… I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going with this...
11. I love being over 62… I learn something new every day… and forget 5 others...
12. A thief broke into my house last night… He started searching for money… so I woke up and searched with him...
13. My dentist told me I need a Crown… I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks”…
14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day...
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."
 
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ScriptOhio said:
SENIOR INSPIRATIONS

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds… only 15 to go...
2. I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce... And cheese.............. FINE, it was a pizza... I ate a pizza…
3. How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web...
5. I don't mean to brag but… I finished my 14-day supply of diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes...
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it...
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel...
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me...
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented… I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going with this...
11. I love being over 62… I learn something new every day… and forget 5 others...
12. A thief broke into my house last night… He started searching for money… so I woke up and searched with him...
13. My dentist told me I need a Crown… I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks”…
14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day...
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."
Click to expand...
Do you qualify for the Golden Buckeye card yet? That will be the happiest day of my life.
 
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