• Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
  • Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!

Best Jokes

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
Claude the Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time
for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a
trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time,"
said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew,
from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and
chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the
watch high for all to see

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for
six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the
watch....

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The
lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.

They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens'
Center and Claude was never invited back again.
 
Upvote 0
Men vs. Women

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book!!”

******

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription....Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!

******

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

******

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen and the rest get married and wonder what happened!
******

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!

******

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

******

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
 
Upvote 0
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees
came buzzing toward his car, then right into his gas tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

9709-200.png


9709-200.png


9709-200.png


bp_logo.gif


bee-peeing.gif
 
Upvote 0
Shrink vs Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had an irrational fear of someone being under my bed at night.

So, I went to a shrink and confessed, “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?” I inquired.

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor and I meet on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year would cost me $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought myself a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion
 
Upvote 0
Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky

2. Spiro Agnew

3. Benito Mussolini

4. Adolf Hitler

5. Jorge Bergoglio

6. Alfonse Capone

7. Vladimir Putin

8. Linda Lovelace

9. Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
 
Upvote 0
Thoughts from the shower (for the more cranial crowd).


* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

* The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

* 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top