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Darwin Awards (Mega-Merge)

Discussion in 'Open Discussion (Work-safe)' started by sears3820, Mar 16, 2004.

  1. sears3820

    sears3820 Sitting around in my underwear.... Staff Member

    Yes, it's the one we've all been waiting for ... the Darwin Award 2003. Candidates have finally been released!

    For those unfamiliar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed/seriously injured in the most extraordinarily and/or stupid way. As always, competition again this year was keen.



    A. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

    B. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

    C. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

    D. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of the bicycle shop he was burglarizing.Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep
    his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    E. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

    F. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, DE, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

    G. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

    H. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

    I. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean outcobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

    J. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and hiswife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite
    and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

    RUNNER UP....

    TACOMA, WA: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
    Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say, " said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night.There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.


    PADERBORN, GERMANY: Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally
    let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.The sheer force
    of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as theelephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted
    Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. 'with no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.

    It seems to be just one of those freak accidents where "shit happens." :tongue2:
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2004
    maximumblitz and stowfan like this.
  2. gbearbuck

    gbearbuck Herbie for President

    natures way of cleanging the gene pool...
  3. 3yardsandacloud

    3yardsandacloud Administrator Emeritus

    Ha! Thanks for the laugh sears. The elephant dung story sounds like urban legend. The guy getting his foot yanked off is just NASTY.
  4. BuckStocksHere

    BuckStocksHere Semper Fi!

    Darwin Awards 2004! (the greatest dopes on earth)

    I think we are all familiar with the ever popular Darwin Awards. Well I got this little tidbit in email - Enjoy! (ouchie!)

    'THE 2004 <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><ST1:pDARWIN</st1:City> AWARDS''

    Yes, this is true. It's are finally out again. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

    ...AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 <st1:City w:st="on"><ST1:p</st1:City> AWARD SHOULD BE....

    Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
    Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a
    foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

    NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

  5. DEBuckeye

    DEBuckeye It ain't easy, bein' cheesy.

    :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
    :yow1: :yow1: :yow1: :yow1:
  6. The KSB

    The KSB 4-4-11/11-5-11

    I was once one of the sorriest, craziest drunks any of you would have ever seen. But even at my craziest, drunkest moments I would have NEVER taken a bet that entailed placing my testes into a piece of machinery with moving parts.
  7. BuckStocksHere

    BuckStocksHere Semper Fi!

    Me neither. That is why these are the cream of the crop of stupid humans. I pray - that even if I was that hammered/foolish/retarded, my friends would have the common decency not to shred my nuts in a ball washer!! talk about playa hatin' !!!
  8. gregorylee

    gregorylee I'd rather be napping!!

    I am sure my coworker are wondering why I have this look of extreme pain on my face right now. My nuts hurt just thinking about that.
  9. gbearbuck

    gbearbuck Herbie for President

    Sanchez's friends need to learn that pay back is a bit**... I would think he would have passed out due to the pain...
  10. BuckeyeNation27

    BuckeyeNation27 Goal Goal USA! Staff Member

    this guy needs to either chop his friends dicks off....or just plain kill them.

    he'll go to jail but who is going to try to rape the guy who chopped his nuts off in a ballwasher? plus he wont have much of a life now outside of jail anyways.
  11. kinch

    kinch Wash me Staff Member

    Does anybody remember hearing about this one? It appeared in a medical journal (Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality) in July of 1991, and has since been verified as true.


    One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black- and-blue scrotal skin.

    After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

    Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

    We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

    Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
  12. ScarletInMyVeins

    ScarletInMyVeins Tanned Fat Looks Better

    how?...what?...why? Oh hell nevermind. I don't even know what to say to these!:crazy:
  13. LoKyBuckeye

    LoKyBuckeye I give up. This board is too hard to understand. Staff Member

    ball washer = :yow2: :sick1: :yow2: :sick1:
  14. Oh8ch

    Oh8ch Cognoscente of Omphaloskepsis Staff Member

    Broke a $300 driver? Ouch!
  15. jlb1705

    jlb1705 hipster doofus Staff Member Bookie

    I know a guy who got drunk one night and decided to shave his nutsack with a pair of scissors. No documentation, but I know about 30 other guys who can corroborate.:bonk:

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