Darwin Awards
Darwin Awards
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards,
here they are. These awards are given each year to the remains, or estate of those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he
hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the
slope of a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at
Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono
County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had
hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and undid some yellow foam
protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes
Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who ! might hit
towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope
and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and
determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly
in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police,
Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without
paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party
probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used a
22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck! ) popped a blasting
cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the
blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl.
M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and
was trying to explode it.
It wouldn't go off and this guy said "I'll show you how to set it off."
He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his
lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded
condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a
spokesperson on at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't
imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club,
M! ountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men
Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can
off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said
that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon
on, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said
the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding
at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out
on his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking
that afternoon. Roberts said, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges
have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office
said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
THIS YEAR'S WINNERS:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert
at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on
the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found
himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and
broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his
shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his
fall; he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his ! shorts
to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into
holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now,
without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his
rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated
his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to
the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived
to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the
truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving
the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a
holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling
from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations, gentlemen. You win.
