This site is supported by the advertisements on it, please disable your AdBlocker so we can continue to provide you with the quality content you expect.
  1. Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!
    Dismiss Notice

Dear Alcohol,

Discussion in 'Open Discussion (Work-safe)' started by Bucktastic, Jan 13, 2005.

  1. Bucktastic

    Bucktastic Troy Smith for HEISMAN

    Dont know if anyone has seen this before, but very funny.......



    Dear Alcohol,

    I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly. Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even there around the holidays, with a touch of cinnamon, you warm us even when stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

    Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you've got my best interests in mind, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:

    1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, and though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat mashed potatoes with barbecue sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some stale corn chips (washed down with cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.

    4. Spelling Bees: Reference point 1 (Phone Calls) above, but even if calling 411 for Will Smith's number (in LA, I believe) IS a grand idea, the fact that you temporarily suspended my ability to spell his name surely amused the operator. Surprisingly enough, he didn't seem to be listed.

    5. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are herefore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, bras.

    6. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's Make Out." While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

    Further... the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm
    Hangover Immobility (and the new-found-trend of morning booting) is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread poducts, Advil) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen with a bag of pretzels, the hangover to be quite minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities.

    Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provokation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra dollars in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters,

    F.N. Lush
    <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
     
  2. ScarletInMyVeins

    ScarletInMyVeins Tanned Fat Looks Better

    That was pretty funny... I especially liked the part saying "I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm", because I'll be at the bar at that time :lol:
     
  3. daddyphatsacs

    daddyphatsacs Let the cards fall... Staff Member

    I'm guessing that your drink of choice is the Fuzzy Navel.
     

Share This Page