jimotis4heisman
Banned
http://www.cw.ua.edu/vnews/display.v/ART/2005/03/23/42411c5fd347d
Casual observations of the female form
by Mat Benton
March 23, 2005
Somewhere in time, a lone hunter braved frigid temperatures, blinding weather and never-ending days of sunlight while tracking his dinner. As he trekked along, thoughts of whale blubber and caribou eyes filled his mind. If lucky, that night he would dine on seal, and he could thank his Ugg boots for keeping his feet warm and frostbite-free while saying his premeal grace. Oh what a journey the Ugg boot has made, what an unfortunate journey indeed.
Ladies, you have been bamboozled; someone is playing a horribly ridiculous joke on you, and you have taken the bait. I choose to warn you now because I am a huge fan of your gender, and I can no longer idly sit while you embarrass yourselves.
Until this evil genius who has managed to make so many of you less attractive is exposed, I will attempt to uncover some of the plots that have already affected a large portion of your sex.
It all began a few years ago with those hideous creations: the capri pant. You don't believe me? You thought they were cute? Quick, ask a guy around you right now if he likes his girlfriend in capri pants. Unless she is within earshot, or happens to be you, the answer will be no.
Unfortunately, it doesn't end there. No, that crazy evil genius had more plans in store. The Ugg boots, which I call seal hunters, are sure to evoke a chuckle from any group of guys you walk by. Yet that isn't the craziest thing you ladies have been brainwashed to wear. Rubber boots. Yes, rubber boots, like the kind you wear over your shoes when it rains. But you wear them when it isn't raining.
Hell, you wear them to bars. I understand the evil genius has mind-numbing methods of manipulation: "Sex in the City," Cosmo, MTV, your big sis -- but seriously, what are you thinking? Your gender invented an asinine rule that you couldn't wear white after Labor Day, yet you wear forest green galoshes to a bar.
I wish I could end here, but no, the madness continues. I now see you girls wearing a crossbreed capri pant-sweat pant. Now I know where I first saw this hideous style of pantaloon. The popular TV show Cops actually has featured this style in its wardrobes since its first televised arrest in a trailer park. One can only imagine why it took so long for this pant's design to catch hold, but it has somehow now become a popular choice for workout wear (what happened to spandex?).
Even sunglasses have now even crossed the line of absurdity. Gentlemen, have you seen the size of sunglasses girls are wearing on this campus? Their head disappears behind two UV-protecting orbs that resemble the eyes of an insect. Although these glasses look silly, I confess that some practical use could come from the actual lens. Perhaps a lens could be removed from the frame and used as a plate while picnicking, a Frisbee or even a snow sled, but somehow I doubt it.
Well girls, there are my rants and raves about the sorry state of affairs of fashion on this campus. As temperatures rise, I urge all of you to challenge the fashion trends that have become the norm around here. Instead of capri pants, how about a nice pair of daisy dukes? Now there's a trend no man ever complained about.
Mat Benton is a second-year law student.