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Holiday rules

Discussion in 'Open Discussion (Work-safe)' started by DEBuckeye, Dec 15, 2004.

  1. DEBuckeye

    DEBuckeye It ain't easy, bein' cheesy.

    The holidays are coming, and I want to make sure that all of you are taking care of yourselves in the right way. Please be sure to follow these few simple rules:

    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
    knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
    immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
    scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
    can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
    it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
    into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
    me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
    Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
    potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
    whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
    with an automatic transmission.

    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
    your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to
    eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
    You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
    time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
    while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
    frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
    yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
    becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
    If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

    8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
    you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
    three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
    celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some

    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
    get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips;
    start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

    Remember this motto to live by:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
    safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
    skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body
    thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

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