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Jokes

Discussion in 'Open Discussion (Work-safe)' started by BuckNutty, Jul 15, 2004.

  1. BuckNutty

    BuckNutty Hear The Drummer Get Wicked Staff Member Bookie

    Got these in my e-mail this morning. Feel free to add your own.

    Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
    Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

    They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

    Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

    "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

    Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

    "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

    "Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

    Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

    Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

    Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."


    _______________________________________________________

    A cowboy at a bar in Pecos, Texas orders three mugs of Lone Star and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "I have two brothers. One is in Alpine, the other in Fredericksburg. I'm in Pecos. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender tells him it is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

    When he comes back to the bar for the second round the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

    "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though....
     
  2. FCollinsBuckeye

    FCollinsBuckeye Senior Former Game Champion

    What does Michael Jackson like about twenty eight year olds?
    .
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    .
    There's twenty of them!! :p
     
  3. ScarletInMyVeins

    ScarletInMyVeins Tanned Fat Looks Better

    Q) what does a battered woman do after she gets out of the hospital?A) The dishes if she knows whats best for her!
     
  4. FKAGobucks877

    FKAGobucks877 The Most Power-Drunk

    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?




    Nothing, you already told her twice.
     
  5. Chewbacca

    Chewbacca Been Smooth Since Days Of Underoos

    How many country music singers does it take to change a light bulb?











    10. One to actually do it and 9 to sing about how much they miss the old one.
     
  6. stxbuck

    stxbuck Woody wore Sambas

    What's the difference between Chris webber and the Unabomber?

    The Unabomber actually graduated from scUM!
     
  7. LoKyBuckeye

    LoKyBuckeye I give up. This board is too hard to understand. Staff Member

    Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car,
    I will fiddle with a coat
    hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
    -----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very
    well, I will pop the hood
    and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
    looking at. If another man
    shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used
    to be able to fix these
    things, but now with all these computers and
    everything, I wouldn't, know
    where to start." We will then drink beer.
    -----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need
    someone to bring me soup and
    take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're
    a woman. You never get
    as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
    -----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase
    basic groceries at the
    store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected !
    to find exotic items like
    "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the
    same thing. And never,
    under any circumstances, expect me to pick up
    anything for which "feminine
    hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys -
    cumin is a spice)
    -----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, when one of the appliances stops
    working, I will insist
    on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
    just cost me twice as,
    much once the repair person gets here and has to
    put it back together
    -------------------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, I must hold the television
    remote control in my hand
    while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
    I may miss a whole show
    looking for it (though one time I was able to
    survive by holding a
    calculator).
    -----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that
    lost, and no, I don't think
    we should stop and ask! someone. Why would you
    listen to a complete stranger?
    I mean, how the hell could he know where we're
    going?
    -----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what
    I'm thinking about. The
    answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or
    football. I have to make up
    something else when you ask, so don't ask.
    ----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your
    mother, or have your mother
    come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
    think about her any more
    than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's
    Day is okay; I don't need
    to see it. And don't forget to pick up something
    for my mother, too.
    -----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I
    liked the movie. Chances
    are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
    -----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, I think what you're! wearing is
    fine. I thought what you
    were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either
    pair of shoes is fine.
    With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair
    is fine. You look fine.
    Can we just go now?
    -----------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year
    2004, I will share
    equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
    the cooking, the
    gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the
    dishes, and I'll do the
    rest.
     
  8. MililaniBuckeye

    MililaniBuckeye The satanic soulless freight train that is Ohio St Staff Member Tech Admin

    THE WORST GOLF FOURSOME EVER
    1. Monica Lewinsky
    2. OJ Simpson
    3. Ted Kennedy
    4. Bill Clinton

    Why You Ask?
    1. Monica Is A Hooker
    2. OJ Is A Slicer
    3. Ted Can't Drive Over The Water
    4. Bill Can't Remember Which Hole He Played Last
     
  9. vrbryant

    vrbryant Ever thus to ____ers Staff Member

    Great one, Mili.

    I may have already posted this one elsewhere, but...


    Why do women wear make-up and perfume?




    Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
     
  10. BuckNutty

    BuckNutty Hear The Drummer Get Wicked Staff Member Bookie

    Got these in an e-mail today.

    You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


    Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?


    Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
    stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?


    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


    Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
    a calculator

    You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
    through and then raced against the flush.


    I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
    ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
    said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
     
  11. Oh8ch

    Oh8ch Cognoscente of Omphaloskepsis Staff Member

    A graduate from Ohio State, a graduate from Michigan and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child.

    Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

    "I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced
    "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which first-born belongs to whom.
    The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."

    The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the drawing.

    He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door.

    "Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice," the nurse asked.

    "No, I'm not," replied the Buckeye grad. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the Michigan kid."
     
  12. BuckBackHome

    BuckBackHome Wolverine is largest member of weasel family

    My personal favorite of the classless joke category.

    How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?







    Wanna ride bikes!
     
  13. Buckeyeskickbuttocks

    Buckeyeskickbuttocks Z --> Z^2 + c Staff Member

    Did you know there are over 100,000 battered women?




    And here I've been eating them plain all these years.
     
  14. creekman

    creekman Newbie

    KNow what your spouse and a computer have in common?.



    .
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    .
    You never appreciate them until they go down on you.
     
  15. wstripes

    wstripes Newbie

    What did the blind, deaf, and retarded kid get for Christmas?




    Cancer



    What did the lesbian vampires say after having sex?



    See you next month
     

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