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Karen Holbrook releases a statement

Discussion in 'ESPN's 04-05 war against tOSU and Tressel' started by DA-Bucks, Nov 11, 2004.

  1. DA-Bucks

    DA-Bucks Trick shot artist Former FF The Deuce Champ

    Karen Holbrook
    Office of the President
    The Ohio State University

    November 11, 2004

    Dear Ohio State Faculty, staff, Alumni, and friends:

    The recent developments by Maurice Clarett and the Football program has put a negative light on the prestige of our University. This is a sad and unfortunate situation that is unacceptable. We believe that these allegations are very serious in nature and we are going to do our best to ensure that no football player will ever again cause trouble at The Ohio State University.

    Therefore I am announcing the termination of all football related activities at our University. The belief of the Board of Trustees and myself is that the best way to cure a negative situation is to rid ourselves of the concern entirely. This type of policy is akin to hitting a nail with a 50 pound sledgehammer has worked in the past and we'll apply it to this situaiton as well.

    I point to the success of ridding the campus of underage drinking. We have removed 90% of the bars on the High Street corridor and we have found that there is a 90% reduction in underage drinking arrests at Bars on campus. We are working in conjuction with Campus Partners to remove the remaining 10%. Such a record is unprecendented at any University.

    Additionally, I point to the new rules and regulations regarding tailgating and alcoholic beverages. Since we have banned all alcoholic beverages in parking lots we have found that most people don't drink in parking lots. We are now working hard on banning all forms of cooking and eating outside of events, as they lead to unhealthy behavior and obesity. However, we are also increasing the cost of food on Campus that you must buy.

    People may think that we are letting the few ruin "the fun" for everyone. Well, that's true. But the simple fact is, there will be no more infractions if we just banish the root of the problem. Football. Football is a sport for brutish and dirty people and it's time that we move in the right direction, my direction.

    We are contracting out use of Ohio Stadium for more wholesome activities. For example instead of the Michigan game, we are planning to have the first world outdoor Trivial Pursuit contest sponsored by Barnes and Noble. Football season will be replaced by Polo and Horse racing. We are going to be the leader in College athletics in Polo, Crew, Crickett, Bochee Ball, Chess, and Trivial Pursuit. We are looking forward to our new direction, and hope all civilized fans will embrace this decision.

    Fortunately, the costs of these new programs is astronomical, so we are also announcing another tuition increase of 20% per quarter. Don't worry, this is just continuing the trend since I was appointed President of the University.

    I sincerely hope that everyone agrees with the new direction of my, I mean, our University.

    Karen Holbrook
    Elitist President of The Ohio State University
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2004
  2. BloowdBuck

    BloowdBuck Employee of tha munf

  3. Bucktastic

    Bucktastic Troy Smith for HEISMAN

    Good Stuff!!! :slappy: :slappy:

    I wouldnt be surprised if she thought about that. She probably already has that letter written out, ready to go.
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2004
  4. BuckeyeNation27

    BuckeyeNation27 Goal Goal USA! Staff Member

    SHES FUCKING CANCELLING FOOTBALL??!! how the fuck can she do that? thats not right. she seriously needs to go. im fucking pissed off now.
  5. FKAGobucks877

    FKAGobucks877 The Most Power-Drunk

    Holy Shi'ite Muslem, that is funny. But it's Bocce. Bocce ball, not bochee ball. Seriously, don't F with my sport. :biggrin:
  6. BuckeyeNation27

    BuckeyeNation27 Goal Goal USA! Staff Member

    ok, i was gonna play this joke, then i realized some dipshit will ding me so ill just laugh at all of you who were ABOUT to ding me. i need my rep points, they are my life.
  7. JXC

    JXC 17-3 since 2001

    i'm thinking about dinging you for not sticking with it 27.
  8. Oh8ch

    Oh8ch Cognoscente of Omphaloskepsis Staff Member

    I think he was referring to 'douchee ball' -Karen's personal fav.
  9. buckzip

    buckzip Reeking with awesomeness

    Would someone please explain dinging to my stupid ass.

    I ahve red blocks, and green blocks, someone gives me a positive response, and my blocks, and points go down?

    I don't understand.....

    As for Holbrook, naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty
  10. BuckeyeNation27

    BuckeyeNation27 Goal Goal USA! Staff Member

    dammit. im fucked if i do and fucked if i dont.

    buckzip, would you like me to ding you to demonstrate?
  11. buckzip

    buckzip Reeking with awesomeness

    Well, can you send me a picture of yourself first?
  12. BuckeyeNation27

    BuckeyeNation27 Goal Goal USA! Staff Member

    check the conspiracy theory thread started by dihard :lol:

    :( i got dinged anyways by anonymous *cough*slurpee*cough* :2004:
  13. buckzip

    buckzip Reeking with awesomeness

    I have no idea what anything is here. I have chicklets under my name, I have rep points. I am so confused. I don't know what means what. Suicide is an option
  14. Thump

    Thump Hating the environment since 1994

    The letter would be funnier if you could at least spell Clarett correctly.
  15. DEBuckeye

    DEBuckeye It ain't easy, bein' cheesy.

    Jesus, I read the first few lines, got to the part about football being cut, and my heart stopped. Then I realized it was a joke. Whew!

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