Karen Holbrook
Office of the President
The Ohio State University
November 11, 2004
Dear Ohio State Faculty, staff, Alumni, and friends:
The recent developments by Maurice Clarett and the Football program has put a negative light on the prestige of our University. This is a sad and unfortunate situation that is unacceptable. We believe that these allegations are very serious in nature and we are going to do our best to ensure that no football player will ever again cause trouble at The Ohio State University.
Therefore I am announcing the termination of all football related activities at our University. The belief of the Board of Trustees and myself is that the best way to cure a negative situation is to rid ourselves of the concern entirely. This type of policy is akin to hitting a nail with a 50 pound sledgehammer has worked in the past and we'll apply it to this situaiton as well.
I point to the success of ridding the campus of underage drinking. We have removed 90% of the bars on the High Street corridor and we have found that there is a 90% reduction in underage drinking arrests at Bars on campus. We are working in conjuction with Campus Partners to remove the remaining 10%. Such a record is unprecendented at any University.
Additionally, I point to the new rules and regulations regarding tailgating and alcoholic beverages. Since we have banned all alcoholic beverages in parking lots we have found that most people don't drink in parking lots. We are now working hard on banning all forms of cooking and eating outside of events, as they lead to unhealthy behavior and obesity. However, we are also increasing the cost of food on Campus that you must buy.
People may think that we are letting the few ruin "the fun" for everyone. Well, that's true. But the simple fact is, there will be no more infractions if we just banish the root of the problem. Football. Football is a sport for brutish and dirty people and it's time that we move in the right direction, my direction.
We are contracting out use of Ohio Stadium for more wholesome activities. For example instead of the Michigan game, we are planning to have the first world outdoor Trivial Pursuit contest sponsored by Barnes and Noble. Football season will be replaced by Polo and Horse racing. We are going to be the leader in College athletics in Polo, Crew, Crickett, Bochee Ball, Chess, and Trivial Pursuit. We are looking forward to our new direction, and hope all civilized fans will embrace this decision.
Fortunately, the costs of these new programs is astronomical, so we are also announcing another tuition increase of 20% per quarter. Don't worry, this is just continuing the trend since I was appointed President of the University.
I sincerely hope that everyone agrees with the new direction of my, I mean, our University.
Regards,
Karen Holbrook
Elitist President of The Ohio State University
Office of the President
The Ohio State University
November 11, 2004
Dear Ohio State Faculty, staff, Alumni, and friends:
The recent developments by Maurice Clarett and the Football program has put a negative light on the prestige of our University. This is a sad and unfortunate situation that is unacceptable. We believe that these allegations are very serious in nature and we are going to do our best to ensure that no football player will ever again cause trouble at The Ohio State University.
Therefore I am announcing the termination of all football related activities at our University. The belief of the Board of Trustees and myself is that the best way to cure a negative situation is to rid ourselves of the concern entirely. This type of policy is akin to hitting a nail with a 50 pound sledgehammer has worked in the past and we'll apply it to this situaiton as well.
I point to the success of ridding the campus of underage drinking. We have removed 90% of the bars on the High Street corridor and we have found that there is a 90% reduction in underage drinking arrests at Bars on campus. We are working in conjuction with Campus Partners to remove the remaining 10%. Such a record is unprecendented at any University.
Additionally, I point to the new rules and regulations regarding tailgating and alcoholic beverages. Since we have banned all alcoholic beverages in parking lots we have found that most people don't drink in parking lots. We are now working hard on banning all forms of cooking and eating outside of events, as they lead to unhealthy behavior and obesity. However, we are also increasing the cost of food on Campus that you must buy.
People may think that we are letting the few ruin "the fun" for everyone. Well, that's true. But the simple fact is, there will be no more infractions if we just banish the root of the problem. Football. Football is a sport for brutish and dirty people and it's time that we move in the right direction, my direction.
We are contracting out use of Ohio Stadium for more wholesome activities. For example instead of the Michigan game, we are planning to have the first world outdoor Trivial Pursuit contest sponsored by Barnes and Noble. Football season will be replaced by Polo and Horse racing. We are going to be the leader in College athletics in Polo, Crew, Crickett, Bochee Ball, Chess, and Trivial Pursuit. We are looking forward to our new direction, and hope all civilized fans will embrace this decision.
Fortunately, the costs of these new programs is astronomical, so we are also announcing another tuition increase of 20% per quarter. Don't worry, this is just continuing the trend since I was appointed President of the University.
I sincerely hope that everyone agrees with the new direction of my, I mean, our University.
Regards,
Karen Holbrook
Elitist President of The Ohio State University
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