gbearbuck
Herbie for President
just got this email... it is long and I didn't read it all. Sorry if there is "bad" stuff:
Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.
Q: What do you get when you breed a ground-hog and a University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What is the difference between Michigan and Frosted Flakes?
A: Frosted Flakes know what to do in a Bowl.
Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog on the freeway and a dead Michigan fan on the freeway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why doesn't Michigan sink into the great lakes?
A: Because @#%$ floats.
Q: How do you keep a Michigan Wolverine out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: What do you call a Michigan Wolverine with a National Championship ring?
A: A thief.
Q: Why was Coach Carr upset when the Michigan playbook was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it yet.
Q: What is the difference between the Michigan Wolverines and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
A: There are some things even pigs won't do.
Q: Why do the University of Michigan grads hang their diplomas from the rearview mirror?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
Q: Why don't they teach Drivers Ed and Sex Ed on the same day in Michigan?
A: It's too hard on the mule.
Q: What do you call a 200 lb. Michigan cheerleader?
A: Anorexic
Q: How many Michigan freshman does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course
Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles.
Q: What is blue and yellow and has two teeth?
A: The front row at Michigan stadium.
Q: What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
A: A product of Ohio.
Q: What's the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
A: About 50 pounds.
Q: How do you make up the difference?
A: Force feed the elephant.
Q: What is a Michigan football player's favorite pick-up line?
A: Didn't we almost flunk out together?
Q: What is every Michigan football player assigned upon arriving at Ann Arbor?
A: A personal bail bondsman?
Q: What is the definition of a wolverine?
A: A rat with VD.
Q: What is the difference between a Michigan fan and a bucket of s#!%?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is long and hard on a Michigan fan?
A: First Grade.
Q: What's the difference between Michigan stadium and a porcupine?
A: Michigan stadium has 100,000 pricks on the inside.
Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from Columbus?
A: Go north until you smell it, then west until you step in it.
Q: If 3 Michigan players are in a car, then who is driving?
A: A police officer.
Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What is the only sign of intelligent life in Michigan?
A: The freeway sign that says "Columbus, 192 miles".
Q: What does the average UM student get on his SAT?
A: Drool
Q: How do you starve a Michigan Football Player?
A: Hide his food stamps in his math book.
Q: Why do Michigan Football Players lean to the inside while driving?
A: They think that smell is coming from the outside.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did U of M replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q: Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Michigan campus at Christmas?
A: Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q:* An OSU fan and a Michigan fan are in the third grade. Who's bigger?
A:* The Michigan fan... he's 18 years old.
Q:* What do you say to a Michigan player in a 3 piece suit?*
A:* Will the defendant please rise?
Q:* How do you keep a Michigan player out of the endzone?
A:* Put a classroom there.
Q:* What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A:* A visitor
Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
A: Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
Q:* Why do women in Michigan wear high heels?
A:* To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.
Q:* What does a tornado and a Michigan Grad have in common?
A:* They both end up in trailer parks.
Q:* What words do you most often hear from a career minded U of M graduate?
A:* Would you like fries with that?"
Q:* Why are there 2 teams from Michigan in the Big Ten?
A:* There was so much crap in Ann Arbor they had to start another pile.
Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
Q: Why don't University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.
A Buckeye fan walks into a curio shop in German Village. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one thousand dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Olentangy River and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the river after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze wolverine."
There's a Buckeye fan from Ohio driving from Columbus
> to Ann Arbor, and a Wolverine fan driving from Ann
> Arbor driving to Columbus. In the middle of the night
> with no other cars on the road they hit each other
> head-on and both cars go flying off in different
> directions.
> The Wolverine guy manages to climb out of his car and
> survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and
> says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
>
>
> Likewise the Buckeye guy scrambles out of his car and
> looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I
> can't believe I survived this wreck!"
>
>
> The Wolverine guy walks over to the Buckeye guy and
> says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign from God that
> we should put away our petty differences and live as
> friends instead of arch rivals."
>
>
> The Buckeye guy thinks for a moment and says, "You
> know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends.
> Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."
> So the Buckeye guy pops open his trunk and finds a
> full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the
> Wolverine, "I think this is another sign from God that
> we should toast to our newfound understanding and
> friendship."
>
>
> The Wolverine says, "You're right!" And he grabs the
> bottle and starts sucking down the Jack Daniels. After
> putting away nearly half the bottle the Wolverine
> hands it back to the Buckeye and says, "Your turn!"
> The Buckeye twists the cap back on the bottle and
> says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show
> up."
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!" "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
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Two University of Michigan football players were down on campus partying. They were hootin' and hollerin' when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months. "Two months!?" exclaimed the bartender. The Wolverine replied, "Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years."
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A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read "Here lies a Michigan graduate and an honest man." The little boy asked, "Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"
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Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are flying in a plane and it crashes. Tragically, Jim Tressel dies, oh and, so does Lloyd Carr. They both get to the pearly gates and St. Peter says "Come on in guys. I'll have some angels show you to your new places."
Jim and Lloyd both go their separate ways and the angel taking Lloyd to his new place shows it to him. Fuming, Lloyd starts yelling, "What's with this? I get this little run-down leaky shack with broken windows and the paint peeling off the walls and Jim gets the huge mansion with golden gates and OSU flags waving everywhere! I demand a place just like his!" The angel, trying to calm Lloyd down says "Oh, that's not Jim's place. It's God's."
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Jim and Lloyd are walking down the beach talking about the new rivalry starting with Jim taking over as coach. As they're walking, Lloyd trips over something and almost breaks his leg. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp.
"Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd, both say that they did it. "You will each get one wish." said the genie. Lloyd offers to go first.
"I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid miscreants from Ohio will ever get a chance to get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high, and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace."
The genie grants the wish to him and he is instantly whisked away to his new paradise.
Jim says "Now fill it up with water."
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A Michigan Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my butt?
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YOU CAN TELL HE A UM GRAD BECAUSE...
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- he sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- he thought a quarterback was a refund
- he got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third grade
- under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics"
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. he put "Sagittarius"
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test - and failed
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" he turned around and went home.
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An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons.* He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that money was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So his father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the University of Michigan.
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Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day.* Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.*
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.*
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming "This is for Northwestern!"**
Seeing this the Buckeye walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something.** I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan alumni.
The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan alumni.
The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan alumni.
Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "NAH, not if I'm gonna have to explain it THREE times."
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Michigan basketball fans believe a fast break is what the players do after leaving the local 7-11 without paying.
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Michigan takes pride that nearly 67 percent of its former players have been granted parole before the end of their sentences.
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A die-hard Michigan fan and a die-hard Ohio State fan are waiting to be executed.* The executioner asks the wolverine fan for his last request. “Hmmm”, he says, then requests to hear the wolverine fight song one last time.* "OK," says the executioner and turns to the Buckeye fan and asks the same question, "What is your last request?"* Without hesitation the Buckeye fan says, "Shoot me first."
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A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?"
The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."
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A former UM football player was having a hard time graduating from college after his glory years as a star defensive end.
After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were becoming embarrassed. "How can we get him out of here?", they asked.
Finally, one professor came up with an idea. "Let's put him in front of the student body and let them ask him one question. If he gets it right, we'll give him a diploma."
So they put the UM student in front of the entire student body. The student body opted to ask him the question: "What is one plus one?"
He received his question and he thought...and thought...and finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted "Two!!". "AWWWWWW", cried the student body. "Give him another chance!"
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University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."
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Bubba and Billy Ray were traveling north through Ohio on their way back to their home in Michigan. On their way, they noticed a shop sign in a small town which caused them to stop their pickup and take a look. The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Michigan, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking."
They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ........"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Michigan, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss."
Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"
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In the mid-seventies, the Buckeyes and Wolverines were both undefeated and playing for the Big Ten Championship, the Rose Bowl and a possible National Championship.
The Buckeyes are up by 4 points with 3 seconds left. Michigan has a 4th and goal at the Buckeye 1 yard line. Bo Schembechler looks up to the skies and says "God, what should I call now?".
To his surprise, in a clear distinct voice, he hears "Off Tackle Right". So, Bo calls the "Off Tackle Right", and all eleven Buckeyes meet the ball carrier in the backfield, and bury him and the Buckeyes win.
Bo, again, looks up to the sky and says "God, why did you tell me to run "Off Tackle Right"?
Again, in a clear voice he hears, "I don't know, why did we, Woody?"
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One morning this Michigan graduate calls her friend (who didn't happen to go to Michigan) and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The Michigan grad says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The Michigan grad's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Relationships...
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could have some more privacy. We went to a quiet little restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.
I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!* I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The Buckeyes lost. Got lucky though.
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General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."
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University of Michigan ENTRANCE EXAM-FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify for admission.
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An old farmer wants his son to go to Michigan State, but the son's IQ is too high. Since the farmer really wants his son to be an Spartan he takes him to the MSU Vet School and asks to use an IQ-reducing machine. Although the machine is experimental and not meant for humans, they decide the risk acceptable. They strap the son into the machine and turn it on. His IQ starts dropping. 130...110...100...90...80...70...60... When the scientist flips the OFF switch, nothing happens. The son's IQ keeps dropping. 40...30...10..0!!!!. The scientist finally pulls the plug and stops the machine. The farmer runs to his son and shakes him awake, "Son, say something!" Dazed, the son looks him right in the eye and says, "Go Blue!"
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Overheard in AnnArbor; "Will the woman who left her eleven children at Michigan stadium please come and pick them up - They're beating the Wolverines 22 -0.
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A Michigan football player was nearly killed in a horrible horseback riding accident. He was thrown off the horse and almost got trampled. Thank goodness the K-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
...................................................................
Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is.
Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"
Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Craig Krenzel over and asks him, "Craig, who's your father's brother's nephew? Krenzel answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback!"
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over John Navarre.
"Hey, Navarre! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
John looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says,"Coach, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr, disgusted, says okay.
During practice, Navarre calls over Chris Perry. "Hey, Chris, Coach just asked me the weirdest question: "Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Perry answers, "Duh! That's pretty simple! It's me!"
After practice, Navarre catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Chris Perry!" Carr (very angry with Navarre) says, "No, No, No! You idiot! It's Craig Krenzel!!!
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BONUS Tennessee Joke:
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash the rest of the week.
Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.
Q: What do you get when you breed a ground-hog and a University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What is the difference between Michigan and Frosted Flakes?
A: Frosted Flakes know what to do in a Bowl.
Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog on the freeway and a dead Michigan fan on the freeway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why doesn't Michigan sink into the great lakes?
A: Because @#%$ floats.
Q: How do you keep a Michigan Wolverine out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: What do you call a Michigan Wolverine with a National Championship ring?
A: A thief.
Q: Why was Coach Carr upset when the Michigan playbook was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it yet.
Q: What is the difference between the Michigan Wolverines and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
A: There are some things even pigs won't do.
Q: Why do the University of Michigan grads hang their diplomas from the rearview mirror?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
Q: Why don't they teach Drivers Ed and Sex Ed on the same day in Michigan?
A: It's too hard on the mule.
Q: What do you call a 200 lb. Michigan cheerleader?
A: Anorexic
Q: How many Michigan freshman does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course
Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles.
Q: What is blue and yellow and has two teeth?
A: The front row at Michigan stadium.
Q: What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
A: A product of Ohio.
Q: What's the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
A: About 50 pounds.
Q: How do you make up the difference?
A: Force feed the elephant.
Q: What is a Michigan football player's favorite pick-up line?
A: Didn't we almost flunk out together?
Q: What is every Michigan football player assigned upon arriving at Ann Arbor?
A: A personal bail bondsman?
Q: What is the definition of a wolverine?
A: A rat with VD.
Q: What is the difference between a Michigan fan and a bucket of s#!%?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is long and hard on a Michigan fan?
A: First Grade.
Q: What's the difference between Michigan stadium and a porcupine?
A: Michigan stadium has 100,000 pricks on the inside.
Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from Columbus?
A: Go north until you smell it, then west until you step in it.
Q: If 3 Michigan players are in a car, then who is driving?
A: A police officer.
Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What is the only sign of intelligent life in Michigan?
A: The freeway sign that says "Columbus, 192 miles".
Q: What does the average UM student get on his SAT?
A: Drool
Q: How do you starve a Michigan Football Player?
A: Hide his food stamps in his math book.
Q: Why do Michigan Football Players lean to the inside while driving?
A: They think that smell is coming from the outside.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did U of M replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q: Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Michigan campus at Christmas?
A: Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q:* An OSU fan and a Michigan fan are in the third grade. Who's bigger?
A:* The Michigan fan... he's 18 years old.
Q:* What do you say to a Michigan player in a 3 piece suit?*
A:* Will the defendant please rise?
Q:* How do you keep a Michigan player out of the endzone?
A:* Put a classroom there.
Q:* What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A:* A visitor
Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
A: Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
Q:* Why do women in Michigan wear high heels?
A:* To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.
Q:* What does a tornado and a Michigan Grad have in common?
A:* They both end up in trailer parks.
Q:* What words do you most often hear from a career minded U of M graduate?
A:* Would you like fries with that?"
Q:* Why are there 2 teams from Michigan in the Big Ten?
A:* There was so much crap in Ann Arbor they had to start another pile.
Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
Q: Why don't University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.
A Buckeye fan walks into a curio shop in German Village. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one thousand dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Olentangy River and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the river after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze wolverine."
There's a Buckeye fan from Ohio driving from Columbus
> to Ann Arbor, and a Wolverine fan driving from Ann
> Arbor driving to Columbus. In the middle of the night
> with no other cars on the road they hit each other
> head-on and both cars go flying off in different
> directions.
> The Wolverine guy manages to climb out of his car and
> survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and
> says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
>
>
> Likewise the Buckeye guy scrambles out of his car and
> looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I
> can't believe I survived this wreck!"
>
>
> The Wolverine guy walks over to the Buckeye guy and
> says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign from God that
> we should put away our petty differences and live as
> friends instead of arch rivals."
>
>
> The Buckeye guy thinks for a moment and says, "You
> know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends.
> Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."
> So the Buckeye guy pops open his trunk and finds a
> full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the
> Wolverine, "I think this is another sign from God that
> we should toast to our newfound understanding and
> friendship."
>
>
> The Wolverine says, "You're right!" And he grabs the
> bottle and starts sucking down the Jack Daniels. After
> putting away nearly half the bottle the Wolverine
> hands it back to the Buckeye and says, "Your turn!"
> The Buckeye twists the cap back on the bottle and
> says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show
> up."
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!" "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
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Two University of Michigan football players were down on campus partying. They were hootin' and hollerin' when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months. "Two months!?" exclaimed the bartender. The Wolverine replied, "Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years."
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A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read "Here lies a Michigan graduate and an honest man." The little boy asked, "Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"
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Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are flying in a plane and it crashes. Tragically, Jim Tressel dies, oh and, so does Lloyd Carr. They both get to the pearly gates and St. Peter says "Come on in guys. I'll have some angels show you to your new places."
Jim and Lloyd both go their separate ways and the angel taking Lloyd to his new place shows it to him. Fuming, Lloyd starts yelling, "What's with this? I get this little run-down leaky shack with broken windows and the paint peeling off the walls and Jim gets the huge mansion with golden gates and OSU flags waving everywhere! I demand a place just like his!" The angel, trying to calm Lloyd down says "Oh, that's not Jim's place. It's God's."
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Jim and Lloyd are walking down the beach talking about the new rivalry starting with Jim taking over as coach. As they're walking, Lloyd trips over something and almost breaks his leg. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp.
"Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd, both say that they did it. "You will each get one wish." said the genie. Lloyd offers to go first.
"I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid miscreants from Ohio will ever get a chance to get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high, and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace."
The genie grants the wish to him and he is instantly whisked away to his new paradise.
Jim says "Now fill it up with water."
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A Michigan Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my butt?
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YOU CAN TELL HE A UM GRAD BECAUSE...
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- he sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- he thought a quarterback was a refund
- he got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third grade
- under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics"
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. he put "Sagittarius"
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test - and failed
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" he turned around and went home.
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An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons.* He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that money was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So his father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the University of Michigan.
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Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day.* Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.*
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.*
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming "This is for Northwestern!"**
Seeing this the Buckeye walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something.** I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan alumni.
The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan alumni.
The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan alumni.
Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "NAH, not if I'm gonna have to explain it THREE times."
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Michigan basketball fans believe a fast break is what the players do after leaving the local 7-11 without paying.
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Michigan takes pride that nearly 67 percent of its former players have been granted parole before the end of their sentences.
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A die-hard Michigan fan and a die-hard Ohio State fan are waiting to be executed.* The executioner asks the wolverine fan for his last request. “Hmmm”, he says, then requests to hear the wolverine fight song one last time.* "OK," says the executioner and turns to the Buckeye fan and asks the same question, "What is your last request?"* Without hesitation the Buckeye fan says, "Shoot me first."
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A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?"
The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."
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A former UM football player was having a hard time graduating from college after his glory years as a star defensive end.
After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were becoming embarrassed. "How can we get him out of here?", they asked.
Finally, one professor came up with an idea. "Let's put him in front of the student body and let them ask him one question. If he gets it right, we'll give him a diploma."
So they put the UM student in front of the entire student body. The student body opted to ask him the question: "What is one plus one?"
He received his question and he thought...and thought...and finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted "Two!!". "AWWWWWW", cried the student body. "Give him another chance!"
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University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."
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Bubba and Billy Ray were traveling north through Ohio on their way back to their home in Michigan. On their way, they noticed a shop sign in a small town which caused them to stop their pickup and take a look. The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Michigan, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking."
They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ........"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Michigan, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss."
Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"
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In the mid-seventies, the Buckeyes and Wolverines were both undefeated and playing for the Big Ten Championship, the Rose Bowl and a possible National Championship.
The Buckeyes are up by 4 points with 3 seconds left. Michigan has a 4th and goal at the Buckeye 1 yard line. Bo Schembechler looks up to the skies and says "God, what should I call now?".
To his surprise, in a clear distinct voice, he hears "Off Tackle Right". So, Bo calls the "Off Tackle Right", and all eleven Buckeyes meet the ball carrier in the backfield, and bury him and the Buckeyes win.
Bo, again, looks up to the sky and says "God, why did you tell me to run "Off Tackle Right"?
Again, in a clear voice he hears, "I don't know, why did we, Woody?"
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One morning this Michigan graduate calls her friend (who didn't happen to go to Michigan) and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The Michigan grad says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The Michigan grad's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Relationships...
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could have some more privacy. We went to a quiet little restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.
I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!* I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The Buckeyes lost. Got lucky though.
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General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."
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University of Michigan ENTRANCE EXAM-FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify for admission.
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An old farmer wants his son to go to Michigan State, but the son's IQ is too high. Since the farmer really wants his son to be an Spartan he takes him to the MSU Vet School and asks to use an IQ-reducing machine. Although the machine is experimental and not meant for humans, they decide the risk acceptable. They strap the son into the machine and turn it on. His IQ starts dropping. 130...110...100...90...80...70...60... When the scientist flips the OFF switch, nothing happens. The son's IQ keeps dropping. 40...30...10..0!!!!. The scientist finally pulls the plug and stops the machine. The farmer runs to his son and shakes him awake, "Son, say something!" Dazed, the son looks him right in the eye and says, "Go Blue!"
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Overheard in AnnArbor; "Will the woman who left her eleven children at Michigan stadium please come and pick them up - They're beating the Wolverines 22 -0.
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A Michigan football player was nearly killed in a horrible horseback riding accident. He was thrown off the horse and almost got trampled. Thank goodness the K-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
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Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is.
Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"
Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Craig Krenzel over and asks him, "Craig, who's your father's brother's nephew? Krenzel answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback!"
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over John Navarre.
"Hey, Navarre! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
John looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says,"Coach, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr, disgusted, says okay.
During practice, Navarre calls over Chris Perry. "Hey, Chris, Coach just asked me the weirdest question: "Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Perry answers, "Duh! That's pretty simple! It's me!"
After practice, Navarre catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Chris Perry!" Carr (very angry with Navarre) says, "No, No, No! You idiot! It's Craig Krenzel!!!
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BONUS Tennessee Joke:
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash the rest of the week.
