Updated after today's game.
fireinvestigator113 452 points an hour ago
I’m so tired of going into every Ohio State-Indiana game thread during the first two quarters and seeing fans of other teams saying the same shit.
“My Penix is hard.”
No it’s not. It’s flaccid like a 90 year old man on a whiskey bender.
“Indiana could win 9 games this year.”
“Maybe IU can actually beat Ohio State.”
“#9WINDIANA”
“Indiana is so sp00ky”
“Chaos gods are appearing early today”
“What’s going on here??”
“The Penix is rising.”
“Maybe DeBoer has this offense clicking.”
Guess your pretty little head the fucketing fucker fuckerooni fuck what. No they fucking don’t. This team is bad. They don’t got it. This is Indiana. There is no happiness here. We don’t have joy. We will not pull it out. We will leave it in there every time and the next thing you know you’re 19 years old with 4 kids from 5 different mothers, living in a single wide in Salem, drunk, stuck in the bathroom with the plywood door screwed shut because your starting quarterback hooker ex-wife from Lebanon up and retired one week before the season right before Christmas and you decided to try and marry the backup quarterback next door neighbor hooker so your ex-life-in wife is throwing old cans of Hamms at you. OH and you have a beer belly the size of a KEG OF KEYSTONE LIGHT BECAUSE YOUR DAD NEVER TAUGHT YOU THE OL COITUS INTERRUPTUS.
And dont bring your chaos bullshit up in here. CHAOS ISNT LOSING TO GOD DAMN OHIO STATE AFTER LEADING FOR ZERO MINUTES. CHAOS ISNT TELLING YOUR OLD OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR TO RETIRE ONLY TO HIRE ONE WITH BASICALLY THE SAME NAME WHO FOR ALL WE KNOW COULD BE YOUR OLD OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR WEARING A MASK. WHERE ARE THE MEDDLING KIDS TO PULL THE MASK OFF? BRING ME THE GOD DAMN MYSTERY MACHINE STAT. LETS FIGURE OUT IF THIS IS ACTUALLY MIKE DEBORD IN A GOD DAMN SP00KY MASK. SCOOBY DOOBY DOO SHOOT ME IN THE FACE PLEASE
Ya wanna know what it’s like being an Indiana football fan? It’s like when you break out a new pair of contacts and are excited to feel the fresh contact in your eye after having thrown away the old pair that were just slightly uncomfortable. You get them in fine, it’s feeling fresh. It feels good. You walk out of the bathroom. You go down the hall. Then you feel a burning. These are brand new? Maybe it’s a hair. So you go back to the bathroom and try to get it out. It won’t come the fuck out. Your eye is watering so much you can’t get ahold of your eyelid. You can feel the burning. It hurts so bad. Why won’t it just come out? This is worse than deciding to throw it in overtime against Michigan after Jordan Howard has rushed for 200 yards. This was going to be amazing. You were so excited. But now it’s just burning. You finally get your eye dry enough to get your contact out. But oh god, only half of it comes out. This is like watching Tevin Coleman fumble a pitch against god damn Minnesota. You get the other half out. You close your eyes, the pain is gone. You open your eyes. Then a pain that is indescribable comes on. You close your eye. No relief. You open it. Searing pain. You’re in disbelief. How could this happen when there was so much hype? How could they not review field goals that are higher than the posts? You’ve scratched your cornea. You stumble forward. Searing pain in your foot. What hell is happening now. It’s a god damn LEGO. It’s the same feeling as this game. The dream is dead. #9WINDIANA is gone. YOUVE LOST TO GOD DAMN OHIO FUCKING FUCK STATE WITH THEIR STUPID ASS FUCKING TREE SPERM MASCOT FOR THE 24TH FUCKING TIME IN A SHITASSING ROW. This losing streak can do shots with me right now. This losing streak can almost rent a fucking car without a GOD DAMN $200 UPCHARGW FOR NOO DAMN REASON.
don’t tell me it’ll get better. dont tell me Tom Allen has this team on the upswing. don’t tell me Penix will be back. don’t tell me how to feel my feelings. Don’t tell me it’ll eventually happen. Don’t tell me we almost beat Michigan the last for fucking ever years. Don’t tell me we’re always competitive against Ohio State. Don’t tell me at least you beat Penn State finally. WE LOST TO GOD DAMN OHIO STATE. AGAIN. A FUCKING TEAM THAT GETS BLOWN THE FUCK OUT AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR BY A TEAM THAT SUCKS ASS AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR TURN BECAUSE WE CLEARLY SUCK ASS BETTER THAN A HOOVER. FUCKING SHIT
One day I’ll die and the misery of being an Indiana fan will be over. I’ll be walking to take my place in heaven hopeful for the sweet release of not watching this team every fucking Saturday. I’ll be prepared to pass through the pearly gates, full of joy and happiness with all my suffering over, there will be sweet calming sounds when the doors slam shut in my face and from seemingly out of nowhere I’ll hear sweet, innocent Don Fischer sigh and say,
“Touchdown “Brand new 5 quarterback Ohio State pulled out of their ass again.”* The music stops, dread fills my stomach, everything turns bright, blindingly red. Just then, a shining crimson light appears. Michael Penix steps out of the light and touches my shoulder. I feel the warmth again, everything will be alright. I’ll be brought back to the promised land. He leans forward as if to tell me something wonderful and whispers almost inaudibly,
“O-H-I-O you Hoosier fuck.” Before I can even ask why he would betray me like that he kicks me right in the shin and shoves me off the edge and I start to fall.
I land in a room with a dark silhouette outlined by a fire at the other end. I realize I’ve been duct taped to a chair. A feeling of dread washes over me. A quiet noise emanates from behind me. I can’t quite make it out but god damn is it annoying. My stomach drops. I can feel the room start to move. Every time I blink the silhouette moves closer. I close my eyes tight. As tight as they’ll go. But then I hear that annoying sound. It’s getting louder. It’s getting more annoying. I feel my eyes forced open to find see a giant fucking Brutus Buckeye. He disappears into the shadows. Then a finger comes over the top of my head and seductively winds it’s way around my head. The sound is back. I finally figure it out. It’s some drunk asshole chanting
“Memorial Stadium is The Shoe West.” God that dude is annoying. I feel hot breath on my neck and then seductively in my ear I hear
“touchdown whichever fucking random person Ohio State pulled off the street to play running back today.” Around walks Urban Meyer and puts a television in front of me. He tells me I just need to watch the tv and I’m free to go. It’s this fucking game. The game ends. But then I hear that asshole again,
“This was a home game for Ohio State”. I struggle against my bonds expecting to be able to move and leave this wretched hell. Urban Meyer leans close to me and is nose to nose with me. He opens his mouth to talk but all I hear is O-H-I-O over and over again.
Suddenly, it all stops. Brutus Buckeye walks from a shadow in the corner. In front of me, several footballs appear. He says to me,
“there are footballs in front of you. Each has a logo. Choose the correct one and you may leave.” I look at the footballs. One has an IU logo, one has an Ohio State logo, and one has the transfer portal on it. Thinking I have to show support for Ohio State, I choose the football with the Ohio State logo. Brutus Buckeye looks at me and says
“you chose... poorly.” Urban Meyer throws his head back and starts screaming. He starts to disintegrate. I close my eyes tight. When I open them again, there stands Ryan god damn Day. I scream. I thought this nightmare was over. I thought I’d woken up. I thought wrong.
Brutus Buckeye then whispers,
“welcome to Ohio.” And the tv starts again. Every game from 1988 until now on repeat until the end of time.
