Taking Care of Your Parent

[buckeyebri]

Maybe some of you are in the same position as I am in to where you need to start the process of helping your parent with many of the things we take for granted. I just found out that my mom was being scammed and sending money to someone that told her she owed them cash for something she purchased over 5 years ago from xxx company (which is a lie). If we didn't have access to her checking account and saw some irregularities we never would have known.

This isn't the first financial phopa so the issue really now becomes the need to take over her finances and have that discussion with herr. This is a very difficult discussion to have with someone who has been a life long educator and holds a BS and MS. You know that you are basically taking away part of what their independence, even if it is to ensure that they have the financial resources that will take them through their remaining years.

Anyone on BP have any advice to share on how you may have had similar discussions?

 

[Crump's brother]

I have had conversations with people in your situation-I'm a financial advisor who specializes in Long Term Care insurance and wealth distribution in retirement.

These are difficult and courageous coversations...do you have an advisor of your own? PM me if you'd prefer

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

I am WAY too familiar with the roles
You may want to approach it almost like a project plan.. and keep in mind Maslow's hierarchy that you slept thru in college.. it's very germane
This is basic and mostly common sense but I share it just in case

The overall task is overwhelming so you have to break it down into compartments/smaller areas.. and then into finer details

Segment things... like 1) daily tasks (meals, housing, care, normal bills) 2) medical (meds, doctor visits, bills & insurance) 3) legal (will, guardianship, living will) etc
You can then approach each category and then each sub-item easier...

who will make sure she gets fed and attends to dietary issues
who will be her daily caregiver.. then go one stage further; if things get worse, care facilities
where will she stay
who will make sure she gets her meds from the pharmacy and gets them on time during the day
who will make sure she gets to her medical appts (or transportation services)
who will get the medical bills, check on insurance claims, etc (this can be farmed out if you have to)
does she have a will, is it current, talk to her about specific things
do you have or need power of attorney
does she have a living will

sounds like the answer to many of these is YOU
so then it becomes a checklist
my empathy.. it's a tough task of love

do your homework for the NEXT step in almost every area
you don't want to do your due diligence during times of immense stress or when a decision has to be made immediately
have those done early...
if you'd need a LT care, know which one you'd want
if you'd need hospice, know which one you'd want

I probably did a much deeper dive than you asked.. you can delete me

 

[buckeyebri]

Thanks guys. We are in the very early stages of moving through these items. My mom, bless her soul, is a very active 82 years old and God help me has a boyfriend (which is a whole nother thread in itself). To hear her talk her and the BF are the spry ones of the former classmates. She does have a good LT care policy in place and has a decent Ohio Teachers retirement income amongst other financial investments.

Our concern right now are her day to day financial decisions and not listening to or talking to us on some of the things going on which is very disconcerting. She has been accessing and screwing up all her account logins online and obviously didn't inform us of this issue. I want her cell phone and bank card gone at this pint. She can have a burner phone to use when needed. I want to give her an allowance and pay her bills for her so we know what is coming and going. This all may seem harsh, but the last thing I want is a destitute parent.

 

[Crump's brother]

I'll ask around early next week, there are certainly some more experienced advisors at my firm who can add some perspective to this.

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

My mother used to pay every bill... insurance company would say 'not covered'.. she'd pay it....
That was exact same time I was finishing my MBA and we had a case study on the insurance industry
and numerous insurance firms had a policy.. deny EVERY initial claim...
because they had stats that showed a huge percentage were elderly like my Mom and pay it
despite the fact the claim was completely valid and should have been paid by insurance...

it was a major industry scam that went on many many years.. 80s and 90s...
and there's still a semblance of the same policies, albeit unwritten, but practiced...
that is exactly why there is a medical bill consultancy biz in high gear
(calling @BuckNutty )

 

[buckeyebri]

So we talked with our mom on the scam last night and got that straightened out. I think she was very relieved to have it out in the open. Supposedly she had bought garbage bags from a disabled group over the phone a few years back and this is how the whole thing started. We are going to get it all together and present it to the AG. I don't expect to get the money back for her, but hopefully they will catch these folks who prey on the elderly and put them away. Talk about folks who should rot in Dante's Inferno....

We decided to take things in steps with her, so as not to freak her out and feel like we were taking away all her dealings at once.

 

[Taosman]

It's always hard to find a balance between independence and care for an elderly paren't
The situation is made worse by a parent who is a sociopath like the mother in law from hell! And fights everything!
But, it is what it is and you try to find a way.