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Night Train Express
17.5% alc. by vol.
Don't let the 0.5% less alcohol by volume fool you, the Night Train is all business when it pulls into the station. All aboard to nowhere - woo wooo! The night train runs only one route: sober to stupid with no roundtrip tickets available, and a strong liklihood of a train wreck along the way. This trainyard favorite is vinted and bottled by E&J Gallo Winery, in in Modesto, CA. Don't bother looking on their web page, because they dare not mention it there. As a clever disguise, the label says that it is made by "Night Train Limited." Some suspect that Night Train is really just Thunderbird with some Kool-Aid-like substance added to try to mask the Clorox flavor. Some of our researchers indicated that it gave them a NyQuil-like drowsiness, and perhaps this is why the put "night" in the name. The picture (above right) shows that the subject that drank Night Train is down for the count, while the Cisco guzzling subject is ready to rock. Guaranteed to tickle your innards.
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Thunderbird
17.5% alc. by vol.
As pictured to the left, look for the pigeon feces and you'll find this old bird. As soon as you taste this swill, it will be obvious that its makers cut every corner possible in its production to make it cheap. Self-proclaimed as "The American Classic," Thuderbird is Vinted and bottled by E&J Gallo Winery, in in Modesto, CA. Disguised like Night Train, the label says that it is made by "Thunderbird, Ltd." Anyways, if your taste buds are shot, and you need to get trashed with a quickness, then "T-bird" is the drink for you. Or, if you like to smell your hand after pumping gas, look no further than Thunderbird. As you drink on, the bird soars higher while you sink lower. The undisputed leader of the five in foulness of flavor, we highly discourage driking this ghastly mixture of unknown chemicals unless you really are a bum. A convenience store clerk in Show Low, AZ once told me that only the oldest of stumbling indian drunks from the reservation buy Thunderbird. Avaliable in 750 mL and a devastating 50 oz jug.
The history of Thunderbird is as interesting as the drunken effects the one experiences from the wine. When Prohibition ended, Ernest Gallo and his brothers Julio and Joe wanted to corner the young wine market. Earnest wanted the company to become "the Campbell Soup company of the wine industry" so he started selling Thunderbird in the ghettos around the country. Their radio adds featured a song that sang, "What's the word? / Thunderbird / How's it sold? / Good and cold / What's the jive? / Bird's alive / What's the price? / Thirty twice." It is said that Ernest once drove through a tough, inner city neighborhood and pulled over when he saw a bum. When Gallo rolled down his window and called out, "What's the word?" the immediate answer from the bum was, "Thunderbird."
WARNING: This light yellow liquid turns your lips and mouth black! A mysterious chemical reaction similar to disappearing-reappearing ink makes you look like you've been chewing on hearty clumps of charcoal. [/FONT]</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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Wild Irish Rose
18% alc. by vol.
The thorn in your hangover is a wild rose. Bottled by Canandaigua Wine in Chanadaigua, NY, the same company as Cisco. Like its brother Cisco, "Wild I" definitely has some secret additives that go straight to the cranium. Another web page claims that this foul beverage is a conspiracy by the republicans to kill the homeless. Bums ask a liquor store clerk for Wild Irish rose by saying, "gimme a pint of rosie with a skirt," a skirt being a paper bag. Some don't want it cold either. It's called "wild" for a good reason, and bystanders should beware. Wild Irish Rose is sure to light a fire of drunken rage in your soul. A guy named "Richards" is mentioned on the label.
A helpful viewer named Carl wrote an email directing our attention this web page that claims that "Richard's Wild Irish Rose (named after his son, Canandaigua's current president Richard Sands)." Carl also found this URL that talks about a Neil Diamond song with a part about this beverage in it. Neil Diamond agrees that where Wild Irish Rose is concerned, only those willing to sacrifice their liver need apply. The "White Label" variety of this beverage is definitely a hard wine to come to terms with. "White Label" smells like rubbing alcohol, and has no added flavoring to mask its pungent taste and noxious odors. Avaliable in 375 mL, 750 mL, and a 50 oz jug.
Field reporter "Greyham" brings us this report: Here is Wild I's devastating new addition, "Wild Fruit with Ginseng". I'll be honest with you: the normal Wild I has turned into some sort of fierce energy drink gone wrong mixed with the original to create a bumworthy migraine-inducing concoction. I purchased a 750 mL which goes for 3.99 and a 375 mL which goes for 2.59 (at least here in FL). Word on the streets here is that the bums are wary of it. I talked to a couple that said they'd prefer to "stick with what's tried and true". Apparently they haven't accepted it yet as the real deal. As for me, I drank the 375mL on a semi-full stomach and was just ruined by the stuff. The flavor retains it's same potent Wild I nastiness but has a whole new bouquet of fruity flavor added as well (potentially aimed at bums of the female persuasion). Upon completion of the 375, I was thoroughly inebriated and found myself honestly wondering where my next fix of the stuff was going to come from. This scared me so I immediately started drinking water....here's the best part. After that relatively small bottle, I didn't piss until the next evening despite drinking copious amounts of water. There is DEFINITELY something in this stuff that dehydrates you...possibly the "ginseng" or whatever it is that they added to this already foul stuff.
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MD 20/20
18% or 13% alc. by vol.
As majestic as the cascading waters of a drain pipe, MD 20/20 is bottled by the 20/20 wine company in Westfield, New York. This is a good place to start for the street wine rookie, but beware; this dog has a bite to back up its bark. MD Stands for Mogen David, and is affectionately called "Mad Dog 20/20". You'll find this beverage as often in a bum's nest as in the rock quarry where the high school kids sneak off to drink. This beverage is likely the most consumed by non-bums, but that doesn't stop any bums from drinking it! Our research indicates that MD 20/20 is the best of the bum wines at making you feel warm inside. Some test subjects report a slight numbing agent in MD 20/20, similar to the banana paste that the dentist puts in your mouth before injecting it with novocain. Anyone that can afford a dentist should steer clear of this disaster. Avaliable in various nauseating tropical flavors that coat your whole system like bathtub scum, but only the full "Red Grape Wine" flavor packs the 18% whallop.
Liquor stores are starting to be infiltrated by a 13% variety of MD 20/20 Red Grape. There is also a new "Blue Raspberry" flavor with "BLING BLING". Even the lowest functioning of bums will know not to get swindled out of 5%.
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Worst taste:
- Thunderbird
- Wild Irish Rose
- Night Train
- Cisco
- MD 20/20
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Getting wasted:
- Cisco
- Thunderbird
- Night Train
- Wild Irish Rose
- MD 20/20
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Warmth:
- MD 20/20
- Thunderbird
- Wild Irish Rose
- Night Train
- Cisco
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Each wine put forth some stiff competition, and the judging was difficult. The bottom line: these wines are all horrible. We did the research so you can stay away from them.
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The great street wines are pretty much evenly priced, and range between $1.10 and $2.80, depending on the tax and transportation costs in your area. Of course, with all five, the first sip is always the foulest. You will feel a trail of flames all the way down your esophagus and into your stomach. We do not recommend chugging any of these beverages, but you don't want to drink too slow or it will get piss warm. The bottle tells you to serve very cold, and we recommend heeding those words. Nobody in any of our tests dared to drink more than 750 mL, and we do not recommend even that much. Go with the 375 mL bottle where avaliable, and see how that sits with you before proceeding. Anything more and you are risking a black out. Don't drink too much of any of these or you might find yourself at the local middleschool sniffing bicycle seats. You may even worship the sun. [/FONT]</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
