• Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
  • Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!

Shaggy Texas - Shaggy Bevo, Thujone, MS Pain, Butt Hurt, and BBQ (RIP)

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
:slappy:

Woke up for work at 7 AM per the norm. Went to the bathroom and then to the kitchen. Wife was slaving over the stove to make breakfast. Her face was red, and she was a little sweaty. I said "Good morning. You look hot." to which she replied "Aw, you're sweet. Thank you." Now, for whatever reason, my brain was not still functioning at 7 AM because I said "I didn't mean it like that dumbass. You haven't even put on makeup."

I didn't get any bacon.

​
Click to expand...

​
 
Upvote 0
Early Frontrunner:

predict2.jpg
 
Upvote 0
Some of those wife ones left me laughing out loud at work. Here was one, I'm still reading them:

Let me preface this by saying my wife is brilliant... most of the time.

This was not one of them.

Me (showing off talking GPS system in loaner Land Rover): Look honey, you can change the voice from this British woman to a British man, Spanish, French, or whatever!
Wife (sees "Norwegian" on the list): Oooh! Pick "Norwegian", 'cause my family's from Norway!
Me: Oooookay (makes selection)
GPS system: Bork! Bork! Bork! *
Wife: I can't understand a word it's saying!
Me: That's because it's in Norwegian, honey!
Wife: Oh... I thought it would be in English with a Norwegian accent!
Click to expand...

SwedishChef.jpg


[EDIT] Oh. My. God

While driving home one day, a truck and trailer was parked in front of a house in our neighborhood. The enclosed trailer had "Alaska to Austin" written on the side.

Me: Man, that's a helluva drive.
Wife: Yeah. I guess they took a ferry or something.
Me: Ferry?
Wife: Well, Alaska being an island an all, I figured they must have taken a ferry or boat to get their truck and trailer here.
Me: Alaska? Alaska has islands, but the state itself isn't an island. Are you thinking of Hawaii?
Wife: No, no, no. Alaska is an island. Everytime I see it on a map it's off to the bottom left of us in the ocean. It's an island.
Me: <crickets>​
Click to expand...
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
Girlfriend-TJ asked me to accompany her to her GYN appointment this morning. Not knowing why -- all dirty talk aside, it is HER vagina afterall -- but wanting to be supportive, I drag my ass out of bed at 7:00 a.m. on a morning that didn't require my wakeful presence until 10:00 a.m. Since we're planning a venue change to her place tonight I had my shit packed (no homo) and ready to go; she, on the other hand, still has half her wardrobe strewn about my room and makeup all over the bathroom. We're running late (READ: she's running late) for the bus that takes us right by the doctor's office and she looks at all her unpacked belongings with a dismissed remark, "Oh, well... I don't have time for this. You can clean it up and bring it over later." ...never mind the fact that I have a busy-as-fuck afternoon and evening and wasn't planning on trudging my ass back across town.

Fine. Whatever. I'll come home for the express purpose of transporting your garbage.

Of course, we miss the bus due to her tardiness so walk the 15 minutes to the train; wait for the train; cram into the train; take the hospital stop and walk the 10 minutes to the hospital. We still have just enough time to get her in to do the requisite paperwork before her scheduled appointment. Then she drops this bombshell: "I don't know where the appointment is." Me being me and her obviously being a bumbling nincompoop, I grab my phone, GPS up the doctor's name and office, and find that we're not even close -- not even in the same neighborhood. She assumed, since her insurance listed the doctor with the affiliated hospital, that the doctor was actually IN the hospital. In fact, the doctor's office is a quick 10 minute walk from my house.

Soooooo, not seeing any buses, I lead her on the 25 minute walk to the proper location of her appointment. Towards the end of the walk, I could tell she was frustrated with me and I asked why. Apparently I'm not being supportive and she should have never asked me to come with her (as if that's some sort of punishment to me).

Now I'm sitting in the waiting room typing up this ranting diatribe bemoaning the waste of a perfectly good morning. I hope the GYN's tools were stored overnight in the freezer.
Click to expand...

Keeping in mind there is not a damn thing in the garage I care about (except my grandfathers desk that weighs about 150 lbs). And she parks her car in the garage. I park my truck in the driveway. I got home really late the other night (work, not social). The garage door was open. I closed. Went inside. She was asleep. Didn't say anything. Next morning I didn't say anything. In the after I sent this text:

And I'm quoting it verbatim

"Oh and you left the garage door open last night, And the other door to the garage was unlocked. I don't care. I'm just letting you know"

Her response 'Sorry...my hands were full of groceries...I was thinking about dinner and all the shit I had to do to get (her daughter) ready for (the next day was the first day of school. Anything else you would like me to remember?"
"Did your laundry....cleaned the house"
"Picked up the dog shit....watered the lawn"

me "I wasn't trying to start a freakin argument"

her : "You only notice the thing I DIDN"T do....nothing of what I did"

me: "wtf???"
Click to expand...

My first attempt at this:

Panel1.jpg


Meanwhile upstairs:
Panel2.jpg

Later in the laundry room:
Panel3.jpg


Panel4.jpg

Panel5.jpg

The next day:
Panel6.jpg
Click to expand...

This one currently is my favorite:

well I have been maritally liberated for 12 years now but have read this entire thread over the life of it to remind myself of what it is I am missing....if anything

I did however remember one situation

Her calling: "OMG, my trooper just died!"

Me: where are you

Her: "near the highway and some other street,,,,I can't read the sign"

Me: Look around, do you see anything tall....like a building or a water tower with words on it? Is there an adult around that you can hand the phone to?

Her: "Fuck you, this isn't a laughing matter"

Me: I am not laughing

Her: "I have turned the key like 200 times and it tries to start but won't finish"

Me: weepin jesus on the cross...do you see a gas station that you can walk to and ask them where you are?

Her: yes but I dont have any shoes I am in slippers

Me: * blood pressure rising* how long have you been gone from the house? Where have you been? I can possible triangulate your position and or track you indian style

Her: I am not a lost dog or a fugitive you asshole....I am broken down and it is hot!!!! I hate this car and I want a new one. I left the house just to get gas and coffee for me and Lana. She is coming over to talk about her wedding and I am going to be late getting back to meet her

Me: I honestly don't know how you make it through the day......... did you go to the exxon and then to starbucks?

Her: Yes smartass, I made it 25 years just fine without you

Me: you can't be more that 5 blocks from the house. I will head that way to find you

Her: Hurry, I am going to be late

Me: don't be ridiculous. call her and tell her you ain't gonna make it

25 minutes pass before I find her

Her: what took you so long, I am burning up...I am going to sit in your truck while you fix it?

Me: well fuck me, you're welcome

Her: while she is tip toeing across the hot pavement to my truck she mumbles"somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, Jerk"

after inspecting the vehicle checking the starter, making sure there was gas in it....I walk back and hop in my truck

Me: Ok tell me what happened when it died...

Her: I was on fumes and rolled into the exxon...I barely made it to the last pump

Me: The one I usually fill up at???

Her: Yes

Me: go lock the doors on your rig and I will take you home

Her: I have stuff in there...can you not fix it?

Me: You are lucky you made it this far before it died and No I can't suck a tank full of diesel out of your trooper right at this moment
Click to expand...
 
Upvote 0
A short one, but good (LOTR = Lord of the Rings, FWIW):

My wife's stepmom is the dumbest woman I know. One time my wife and her were watching LOTR, the stepmom turned to my wife and said "Can you believe all of this really happened?"

She seriously thought that LOTR happened in the middle ages or some shit.
Click to expand...

If only there were a substance you could take to make you believe that fucking midgets saved the entire fucking world by chucking a fucking ring in to a fucking volcano, back in the middle fucking ages. The worst thing that happened in your life would seem so insignificant.
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top