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Best Jokes

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NJ-Buckeye

NJ-Buckeye

Be cool-everyone dealing w something u don't know
Staff member
    • An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.​


    The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.

    The old man just stared at him.

    The boy said, "What's the matter, old man? Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

    The old man answered, "Well actually, yes I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
     
    Yesterday, I had lunch at the food court at the Pearl Harbor NEX (shopping mall), where I saw a white chick with a T-shirt that read "Naval Air Traffic Control" with the surrounding slogan, "You get it up...and I'll guide it in". No shit.
     
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    Girls Night Out

    Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

    One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

    Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that.

    After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

    The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties"

    "That's nothing" said the other husband "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you!'."

     
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    Stan and Tom were out drinking one night and it was getting really late. Stan says "My wife is going to kill me when I get home." Tom says "Here's what you do. When you get home, sneak up the stairs, crawl in bed from the bottom where the sheets are tucked in. Give your wife the best oral she's ever had. She'll completely forget about you coming home late. Trust me."

    Stan heads home and sneaks upstairs. Crawls in at the foot of the bed and goes to work. She starts moaning and thrusting and eventually its all over. Stan sneaks out of the room and goes down stairs for one last beer before bed. He sees his wife on the couch.

    He goes over and sits down and asks "Honey, what are you doing down here?"

    She says "I always sleep on the couch when your mom visits."
     
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    Stan and Tom were out drinking one night and it was getting really late. Stan says "My wife is going to kill me when I get home. Despite how quiet I try to sneak up those stairs and into bed, she wakes up and bitches me out"

    Tom says "you're doin it all wrong, my friend. I go in bangin into everything I can find and hollerin the whole way.. I get to the stairs and start bellowing 'damn, I can't wait to get a blow job' " .. by the time I roll into bed, the wife never makes a move or a sound.
     
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    Very long post, but I think it's worth the read... :nerd:

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    OVERHEARD IN A CYBERSEX CHAT ROOM.....
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WELLHUNG: Hi Babe. What do you look like?

    HOTBABE: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

    WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

    HOTBABE: I want you. Would you like to do me?

    WELLHUNG: OK

    HOTBABE: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

    WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

    HOTBABE: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

    WELLHUNG: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

    HOTBABE: I'm moaning softly.

    WELLHUNG: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

    HOTBABE: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

    WELLHUNG: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

    HOTBABE: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

    WELLHUNG: I'll pay for it.

    HOTBABE: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

    WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

    HOTBABE: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching backundoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

    WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

    HOTBABE: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

    WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

    HOTBABE: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

    WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

    HOTBABE: What?

    WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry. Really.

    HOTBABE: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

    WELLHUNG: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

    HOTBABE: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

    WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

    HOTBABE: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

    WELLHUNG: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your...umm... wait a minute.

    HOTBABE: What's the matter?

    WELLHUNG: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

    HOTBABE: Are you OK?

    WELLHUNG: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

    HOTBABE: Can I help?

    WELLHUNG: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

    HOTBABE: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

    WELLHUNG: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

    HOTBABE: Come back to me, lover.

    WELLHUNG: I'm washing the cup now.

    HOTBABE: I'm on the bed arching for you.

    WELLHUNG: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

    HOTBABE: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

    WELLHUNG: I found it.

    HOTBABE: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

    WELLHUNG: Me too.

    HOTBABE: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

    WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

    HOTBABE: Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

    WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

    HOTBABE: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

    WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

    HOTBABE: Hurry back, lover.

    WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

    HOTBABE: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

    WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

    HOTBABE: What's the matter now?

    WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

    HOTBABE: Mmm, yes. Come on.

    WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

    HOTBABE: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

    WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

    HOTBABE: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

    WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid.

    HOTBABE: What?

    WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

    HOTBABE: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

    WELLHUNG: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

    HOTBABE: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

    WELLHUNG: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

    HOTBABE: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

    WELLHUNG: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

    HOTBABE: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

    WELLHUNG: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

    HOTBABE: --logged off--
     
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    For all those women out there who look forward to that wonderful time, once a year when they get to be "intimate" with their OB/GYN doctor!​

    In Sydney, Australia one of the radio stations pays money ($1000-$5000) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000.

    I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning, I received a call from the Drs.' office to say I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 a.m.

    The trip to his office takes about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits. But this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called to go into the exam room.

    Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away from where I was. I was a little surprised when the Dr. said, "My, we have taken some extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

    The appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and cooking, etc. After school, my six year old daughter was playing and she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another one from the cupboard. She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it".
     
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    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes"
    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$60,000"
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
    MAN:"Bye, I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
     
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