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How to Sh!t at work

Discussion in 'Open Discussion (Work-safe)' started by wstripes, Aug 16, 2004.

  1. wstripes

    wstripes Newbie

    HOW TO POOP AT WORK
    >>
    >>As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
    >>inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a
    >>survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
    >>
    >>CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
    >>smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
    >>where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
    >>full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
    >>has left your pants.
    >>
    >>FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
    >>check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
    >>come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
    >>become suspicious if they catch you constantly going i! nto the bathroom.
    >>
    >>ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
    >>or >forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
    >>wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
    >>Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
    >>urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
    >>uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    >>parties feel uneasy.
    >>
    >>JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
    >>pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
    >>should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
    >>the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
    >>
    >>COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
    >>the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
    >>the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
    SHAME.
    >>
    >>WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
    >>have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
    >>if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
    >>that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the
    >>COURTESY FLUSH.
    >>
    >>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
    >>of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
    >>with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the
    >>office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
    >>
    >>SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you
    >>can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
    >>opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
    >>your bathroom.
    >>
    >>TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
    >>tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    >>vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
    >>occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
    >>will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
    >>
    >>CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
    >>that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
    >>alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
    >>with an ASTAIRE.
    >>
    >>ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
    >>tha! t you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
    stall
    >>is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
    >>the pooper can poop in peace.
    >>
    >>WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
    >>water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
    >>coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
    >>
    >>HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
    >>in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
    >>Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
    >>
    >>UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
    >>spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
    >>pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
    >>you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
    >! gt;you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
    >>
    >>Thoughts to ponder while at work. Have a great day!!!




     
  2. AZBUCKFAN

    AZBUCKFAN Newbie

    Credit where credit is due. You really seem to know your shit, man!
     
  3. BuckeyeSkins

    BuckeyeSkins Go Bucks/Hail to the Redskins!!

    :lol:
    What a way to start the day off after reading this.
     
  4. DEBuckeye

    DEBuckeye It ain't easy, bein' cheesy.

    That is some funny shit!
     
  5. LoKyBuckeye

    LoKyBuckeye I give up. This board is too hard to understand. Staff Member

    :lol: :lol:

    good stuff
     

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