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Men club commandments

Discussion in 'Open Discussion (Work-safe)' started by wstripes, Jul 28, 2004.

  1. wstripes

    wstripes Newbie

    some of these are funny

    The Men Club Commandments
    The 37 rules to being a 'Man' !!! (courtesy of

    1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

    - When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    - The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    - After wrecking your boss' car.
    - One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
    - When she is using her teeth.

    2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

    3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.

    7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

    10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.

    11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

    17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

    - Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    - C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    - Another set and we can hit the showers!

    20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

    23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

    24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

    25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'.
    Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

    26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

    27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

    28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

    29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

    30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

    31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

    32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
    Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.

    33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

    34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

    36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

    37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
  2. Mothra

    Mothra The Man In The Box '14 Bowl Upsets Champ

    excellent post!
  3. ashlandbuck

    ashlandbuck Banned

    Under no circumstances would I ever follow rule #4.

    Being off limits and the mandatory marriage part is asking just too much.
    I've had too many buddies in the past that had absolutely georgous sisters and well, friendships are important and all, but c'mon!
    I can just see this beautiful chick hitting on me and my reply would be, "Well, you see, I just like your brother too much to sleep with you".
    If I ever did that, then somebody please put me out of my misery because life wouldn't be worth living.

    Of course all this is pure conjecture now as I have a beautiful wife of Ten years. :wink:
  4. RugbyBuck

    RugbyBuck Our church has no bells.

    Ashland, how'd you score a ten-year-old? :)
  5. ashlandbuck

    ashlandbuck Banned

    Yeah, yeah......Bite me Rugby. :wink2:

    I gotta watch how I write these things.
  6. RugbyBuck

    RugbyBuck Our church has no bells.

    No worries, I just thought it might be a perk of the whole pirate thing. :)
  7. ashlandbuck

    ashlandbuck Banned

    DAMN IT!!!! IT'S NOT A PIRATE THING! :smash:
  8. RugbyBuck

    RugbyBuck Our church has no bells.

    Hilarious, mate(y). :biggrin: Haar.
  9. gregorylee

    gregorylee I'd rather be napping!!

    Pirate: Are you ready kids?

    Kids: Ay Ay Captain.

    Pirate: I can't hear you.

    Kids: Ay Ay Captain

    Pirate: OHHHHHHH

    Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

    Kids: Sponge Bob Square Pants:

    Pirate: Absorbent and yellow and pourous is he.

    Kids: Sponge Bob Square Pants.

    Pirate: If nautical nonsense be something you wish.

    Kids: Sponge Bob Square Pants.

    Pirate: Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish.

    Kids: Sponge Bob Square pants.

    Pirate: Ready?

    Kids: Sponge Bob Square pants, Sponge Bob Square pants,
    Sponge Bob Square pants.

    Pirate: Sponge Bob Square Pants!!!!!!! Ha ha...

  10. ashlandbuck

    ashlandbuck Banned

    Here ya go.....
  11. gregorylee

    gregorylee I'd rather be napping!!

    Maybe you should switch the pics cap'm, it'd save the maties a lot of confushun.

  12. ashlandbuck

    ashlandbuck Banned

  13. RugbyBuck

    RugbyBuck Our church has no bells.

    Damn, they've really upgraded their equipment since I last checked.

    Blackbeard's Revenge:

    "Haar, How dy ye scalawags like me now? Haar. Try ye sum o' dees ayre ta grounde missles, ya bloody, Poms. Bollacks! I be too close far missles, I yam switchin' ta guns. Take that ya pasty buggers."
  14. ashlandbuck

    ashlandbuck Banned

    Ok....I give up.....I'm a damn pirate
  15. FCollinsBuckeye

    FCollinsBuckeye Senior Former Game Champion

    :lol: :lol: :lol:

    "Well, shiver me timbers! Ashland comes clean!" :p
    <!-- / message --><!-- attachments -->

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