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Best Jokes

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch time he, again, screws all 150 hen. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, even the cows. later the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rosster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed dead and vultures circling overhead. the farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing and says: "Shhh! They're about to land"
 
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MANLY QUIZ

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sportscenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife needs ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends,"
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep,"
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy,
you're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
 
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Blonde Joke

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after
an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able
to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no
one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
 
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Lawyer/Blonde Joke

A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a
blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
 
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.

You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fucking wife."
 
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A CALL FROM THE BOSS

My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you!
 
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Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
 
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A Cowboy is driving his old beat-up truck in the scrub land of Texas when he spies a naked woman along the side of the road tied up on the ground. He stops and asks "What the hell happened to you?". She answered "Our car was run off the road by a band of marauding Mexican Banditos. They tied me up and raped me and then beat and kidnapped my husband".

"Jesus" the cowboy replied as he unzipped his pants. "Today just ain't yer day, is it lady?"
 
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A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband, "it's 3 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"What's your name?" asked the woman's husband. The stranger replied back, "Frank".


"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.
 
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Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history. Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.
WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
 
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Don't talk to my parrot ...

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

13_pitbull.jpg
agray.jpg


The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut the [censored] up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied.............
"Get him Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!
 
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What a family!!!!!! ----- An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well', says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
 
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