Dear Cathy (name redacted)
I was very sorry to hear about the stink you put up with our veteran assistant manager, Carla Cogswell when you visited our Logansport, Indiana store. It is one thing to have a point to make, performing your ablutions in front of this repeat employee-of-the-month was certainly not the way to make yourself heard, or smelt.
We here at Jo-Ann Stores pride ourselves on a rigid application of our rules of decorum and public decency, and you, Cathy, have demonstrated a flagrant disregard for both. You might be interested to learn that Carla has been awarded a special award for her handling of this messy situation - we are flying her all expenses paid to a spa near Aspen. After her ordeal with what I can only term the shittiest customer ever, it was the least we could do.
So, let me get to the point in responding to your long and heartfelt missive. How dare you come into MY store and drop a load on MY shining new floor then blame Cathy, me and the entire Jo-Ann Stores family for your complete and utter lack of self control. Get some control over your bodily functions woman! When we say the bathroom is off limits that is what we mean. Pucker up that sphincter, if Rural King is too far then go into the parking lot. There is the perfect opportunity to do your business, if you insist on making an exhibition of yourself.
You ask us if it is our policy to put your employees in a situation where they may have to clean up a customer's bodily fluids if they become ill in the store and are refused access to the rest room. Well, no, we rely on our customer's having tight butt cheeks and no leaks. Sadly, you clearly have neither - about which, unlike you, I frankly cannot give a shit.
Should it cross your mind to revisit any of our stores, don't. Your picture and samples of fecal matter collected from the scene of your shameless and disgusting anal exhibitionism have been forwarded to security at Jo-Ann Stores across the nation. They have all been armed with buttplugs and cattle prods to prompt incontinent assholes like you away from the pure and pristine surrounds of our local Jo-Ann stores. You have been warned!!
Now get out of my life.
Darrell Webb
Jo-Ann Stores, Inc.
5555 Darrow Road