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Very Cold Winter . . .

The Indians on a remote reservation in northern Arizona asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shit-load of firewood.'
 
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THE BACK PEW...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Gotta love those senior citizens!
 
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From Deety, 15 years ago..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OVERHEARD IN A CYBERSEX CHAT ROOM.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WELLHUNG: Hi Babe. What do you look like?

HOTBABE: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

HOTBABE: I want you. Would you like to do me?

WELLHUNG: OK

HOTBABE: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

HOTBABE: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

WELLHUNG: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

HOTBABE: I'm moaning softly.

WELLHUNG: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

HOTBABE: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

WELLHUNG: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

HOTBABE: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

WELLHUNG: I'll pay for it.

HOTBABE: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

HOTBABE: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching backundoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

HOTBABE: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

HOTBABE: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

HOTBABE: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry. Really.

HOTBABE: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

WELLHUNG: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

HOTBABE: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

HOTBABE: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

WELLHUNG: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your...umm... wait a minute.

HOTBABE: What's the matter?

WELLHUNG: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

HOTBABE: Are you OK?

WELLHUNG: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

HOTBABE: Can I help?

WELLHUNG: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

HOTBABE: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

WELLHUNG: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

HOTBABE: Come back to me, lover.

WELLHUNG: I'm washing the cup now.

HOTBABE: I'm on the bed arching for you.

WELLHUNG: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

HOTBABE: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

WELLHUNG: I found it.

HOTBABE: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

WELLHUNG: Me too.

HOTBABE: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

HOTBABE: Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

HOTBABE: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

HOTBABE: Hurry back, lover.

WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

HOTBABE: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

HOTBABE: What's the matter now?

WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

HOTBABE: Mmm, yes. Come on.

WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

HOTBABE: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

HOTBABE: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid.

HOTBABE: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

HOTBABE: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

WELLHUNG: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

HOTBABE: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

WELLHUNG: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

HOTBABE: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

WELLHUNG: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

HOTBABE: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

WELLHUNG: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

HOTBABE: --logged off--
 
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Got tired of sheltering in place and went out looking for a little action.

Tracked down a $25 hooker and said I would pay so long as she was "tight" (when you are hung like me you need 'em tight).

She promised she was and we go upstairs and get undressed.

She asks me to put my left hand in - so I did.

Then she says put my right hand in - so I did

Then she asks me to clap.

I said I can't.

She says "Tight, isn't it?"
 
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In a scUM classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural-born citizen of at least 35 years of age; however, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair it was of the requirement to be a natural-born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
"What makes a natural-born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
 
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Michael & the Prostitute

Michael an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Michael, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'
 
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A few good laughs...

I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic.
I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him, that's the last thing I need.

The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.
We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big McSteak.
 
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Corona Humor -

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing…

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers.

This virus has done what no woman has been able to do … cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men home!

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend? Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”

When this is over … what meeting do I attend first … Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers, and we get really excited about car rides.
 
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Corona Humor -

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing…

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers.

This virus has done what no woman has been able to do … cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men home!

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend? Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”

When this is over … what meeting do I attend first … Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers, and we get really excited about car rides.
Someone has been copying all the memes on Facebook...
 
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Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Porsche

Sergeant:
What kind of Porsche was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Porsche 991.2 Carrera C4S 7 speed PDK
Ambient Lighting pack - Creats headrests. heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, PCM Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black alcantara headlining, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with Black badges. Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - Non smoking pack - Rain sensing wipers, gloss black alloys, PCCB, glass roof, colour coded xenon washer jets, red seat belts.
 
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