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This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British Naval ship and the Irish Navy, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY FOUR DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
 
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A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed,
"When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa speech."
At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny speech."
When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy speech."

"If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
 
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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
 
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Cleared for Takeoff

Some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world. ​
=========================================================================

While taxiing at <st1 =""><st1 ="">London </st1></st1>Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for <st1 =""><st1 ="">Ft. Lauderdal </st1></st1>made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"
============================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. <st1 =""><st1 ="">San Jose</st1><st1 =""> Tower</st1></st1> Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
============================================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
============================================================

The German air controllers at <st1 =""><st1 ="">Frankfurt</st1><st1 =""> Airport</st1></st1> are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "<st1 ="">Frankfurt</st1>, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to <st1 ="">Frankfurt</st1> before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
============================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, <st1:time hour="13" minute="0">one o'clock</st1:time>, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
============================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in <st1:city><st1 ="">Munich</st1></st1:city> overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in <st1:country-region><st1 ="">Germany</st1></st1:country-region>. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
 
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:slappy:


Watch out for these new viruses Neither Symantec, Norton, nor McAfee have solutions as of yet!!!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer, each time you turn it on.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves... but will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
 
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Why Parents Go Gray ..

The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME"
 
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State Slogans

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio:
At least We're not In Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Wynot?
 
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a young woman walks up to the check out lane at a grocery store. after a few seconds an older gentlemen approaches. he looks down at the items she is buying and then looks at her. he does this twice and says
" your single right".
the young woman replies "yes".
" she askes how could you tell?"
the old man replies. "Cause your fucking ugly"
 
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This isn't a joke, but it's a funny story that happened to my girlfriend last week. She went to Wal-Mart to get me a Sweetest Day gift when she realized that her Aunt was about to visit and she was running low on plugs. She picks up the two items and heads up to the checkout. She plops the items down at the register and her face instantly turns red. You see for Sweetest Day I had asked her to get me a tube of Astroglide because I was almost out of it. The sad thing is that she would never have pooper sex and the lube was for normal use as well as my own personal use **cough cough**. But there she sat in the checkout line at Wal-Mart with a tube of Astroglide and a box of tampons sitting in front of her. For the life of me I can't think of any 2 items that I would hate to purchase together more than those.
 
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exhawg said:
This isn't a joke, but it's a funny story that happened to my girlfriend last week. She went to Wal-Mart to get me a Sweetest Day gift when she realized that her Aunt was about to visit and she was running low on plugs. She picks up the two items and heads up to the checkout. She plops the items down at the register and her face instantly turns red. You see for Sweetest Day I had asked her to get me a tube of Astroglide because I was almost out of it. The sad thing is that she would never have pooper sex and the lube was for normal use as well as my own personal use **cough cough**. But there she sat in the checkout line at Wal-Mart with a tube of Astroglide and a box of tampons sitting in front of her. For the life of me I can't think of any 2 items that I would hate to purchase together more than those.
Click to expand...
Not Astroglide and Cucumbers? Or AA batteries?

Funny story though. ugh
 
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Difference between men and women

A couple are on the couch watching TV.. the woman is pretty solemn... and says "you know what really scares me?"
he says "what?" ... "that you'll leave me for another woman"...

she asks "what really scares you?", he replies "snakes!!"
 
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